I watched some of the videos of Muammar Gaddafi's last moments. First reaction is it's a messy way to go. I don't envy him. I would certainly have shit my pants if I were him.
More interesting, however, are the reactions of some of the viewers (distributed over the various comments of various such videos). "Barbaric" they call the treatment of the general by the rebels. Some say that they are no better than he for treating him in this way. They should be above such violence. They should have brought him to trial.
Now, I cannot claim I understand them. I think, nobody who has not lived as a native under his regime and fought in the rebellion can really understand their motives. But I could start by trying to comprehend that customs are rougher in that part of the world. More importantly, however, these people have a lot of rage against this dictator who brought war and violence and God knows what upon them. It may sound naive but I believe if I lost my family because of somebody like this - I have to admit - I would want him dead, too.
Another interesting reaction was how comments read that he was "paraded" around before his death showing off his bloodied face, how that was against anyone's dignity. It brought to my mind scenes from a few years back, December 2004 to be exact, when American soldiers pulled a dishevelled, aged dictator out of a "rat hole" in Iraq - Saddam Hussein. Soldiers took snap shots with him. In the news he was shown in a nice split screen - on one side the proud ruler of Iraq, on the other a shabby, distraught beggar being examined for parasites. Was that not also parading him around? With Gaddafi there was no CNN camera team on the scene. Hussein was not captured by furious rebels but by disciplined soldiers. The intent of what happened then was the same, however. The triumphant victors showing off the enemy they overcame. In ancient Rome captured enemies were paraded through the streets behind the emperor's chariot, in today's America they are presented on CNN and in Libya they are driven through the streets and recorded on mobile phones to be shown online. The American way is more high tech, more sanitary, but the thought is the same. I just don't like the wrong people getting judgemental.
Finally, before everyone hails the advent of democracy (tm) in Libya I think the rebels now have the extremely challenging task ahead of instituting a government that is better than their former leader. Let's recall that Iraq didn't just become better because it was declared democratic. These days you even hear opinions saying that at least during Hussein's regime people could live their lives without fear of bombs. Even the French Revolution in 1789 was not over after they had killed the king (in fact, the bloodshed was just getting started). I really hope they make wise choices - there's already too much killing going on.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Encounter over Fish and Chips
I was having fish & chips at a chippie in Kinsale. A bum was hanging around the place trying to talk at customers. At some point the boss came out and asked him to leave.
When I then went outside with my fish he was still hanging around outside. He homed in on me when I sat down and said something. It was obvious now that he was pretty drunk or stoned - or both. It took me two attempts to understand that he wanted something to eat. "Gimme sumth'ng t' eat", was something like what he mumbled. His eyes were unfocussed, he didn't seem able to walk straight. Still, I was reluctant to surrender my dinner to him. After a day's walking I was hungry, too. He didn't look that poor either.
"Why don't you order something inside", I suggested him. He didn't react, just repeated what he had said. So I repeated my line, too. Something inside didn't just let me say no to him. He had now installed himself swaying slightly next to my table. He was even drooling a little. I told him again to go and order inside.
Now several young people, locals, at the next table got involved. One guy shouted at him to "piss off" and the girl also said to go inside and order. He looked at them and focussed on me again. The guys asked me if I wanted to sit with them. "Gimme sumth'n t'eat." The guys were getting very annoyed and noisy now. For some reason though I couldn't feel the same. I felt pity for this man. He seemed to have drunken himself to the point of loosing his senses. I picked up the fish to actually give him some of my chips (and maybe be rid of him). Then he just took one. That was it.
"Oi", one of the guys shouted at him and told him to bloody well pay for his own stuff. Now I did get up and sit with them. But I still couldn't feel angry. Then one of the employees of the chippie came out and told him to go. The guys were still agitated and protested he had taken some chips from us. The man still seemed reluctant to comply until the boss came out and said she had called the Gardai (the Irish police). Then he finally left. We were apologised to and were even given a free extra portion of chips by way of apology. The police arrived and followed the way the man had left to talk to him. They didn't seem worried nor in a hurry at all. We asked the employee of the chippie if this guy had been there before. "Every day", he replied, "if you don't stand up to him he will take what he can. But he's scared of me. Then he becomes like a little child."
Why is this worth writing about? Just because we couldn't actually finish the free chips we had received. The guys left after a brief chat and I binned most of chips in the end. So, was it worth chasing him away and giving us free food by way of apology or couldn't they not have given that portion of chips to the man and be rid of him?
I would have liked to believe it - if not the same man had walked by some time later, after the Gardai had had their talk with him. Now he looked very focussed and not one bit drunk. Another fraud? Or is a talk with Irish Gardai so serious as to sober a man up like that?
A case from my time in Beijing comes to mind. Beggars on the subway are a common sight there. Especially cripples have not many options in a country without a social net like Germany. Most of them sing or chant Buddha verses into a microphone with a speaker strapped to their backs. Sometimes you see people give them some small change. Same was true of two guys that got on somewhere west of Tian'An Men. One seemed blind, the other hobbled painfully leading him. They chanted and some people gave them money. Since we were in the last car they went up to the end and sat down, chatted. At Guo Mao, the banking district, the got of and leisurely strolled down the platform. Passengers gaped. A miracle? I think not, just a clever business idea.
The sad consequence is that nobody will give anyone anything. Even if they are really in need but after having seen your share of frauds you tend to not trust anyone anymore.
When I then went outside with my fish he was still hanging around outside. He homed in on me when I sat down and said something. It was obvious now that he was pretty drunk or stoned - or both. It took me two attempts to understand that he wanted something to eat. "Gimme sumth'ng t' eat", was something like what he mumbled. His eyes were unfocussed, he didn't seem able to walk straight. Still, I was reluctant to surrender my dinner to him. After a day's walking I was hungry, too. He didn't look that poor either.
"Why don't you order something inside", I suggested him. He didn't react, just repeated what he had said. So I repeated my line, too. Something inside didn't just let me say no to him. He had now installed himself swaying slightly next to my table. He was even drooling a little. I told him again to go and order inside.
Now several young people, locals, at the next table got involved. One guy shouted at him to "piss off" and the girl also said to go inside and order. He looked at them and focussed on me again. The guys asked me if I wanted to sit with them. "Gimme sumth'n t'eat." The guys were getting very annoyed and noisy now. For some reason though I couldn't feel the same. I felt pity for this man. He seemed to have drunken himself to the point of loosing his senses. I picked up the fish to actually give him some of my chips (and maybe be rid of him). Then he just took one. That was it.
"Oi", one of the guys shouted at him and told him to bloody well pay for his own stuff. Now I did get up and sit with them. But I still couldn't feel angry. Then one of the employees of the chippie came out and told him to go. The guys were still agitated and protested he had taken some chips from us. The man still seemed reluctant to comply until the boss came out and said she had called the Gardai (the Irish police). Then he finally left. We were apologised to and were even given a free extra portion of chips by way of apology. The police arrived and followed the way the man had left to talk to him. They didn't seem worried nor in a hurry at all. We asked the employee of the chippie if this guy had been there before. "Every day", he replied, "if you don't stand up to him he will take what he can. But he's scared of me. Then he becomes like a little child."
Why is this worth writing about? Just because we couldn't actually finish the free chips we had received. The guys left after a brief chat and I binned most of chips in the end. So, was it worth chasing him away and giving us free food by way of apology or couldn't they not have given that portion of chips to the man and be rid of him?
I would have liked to believe it - if not the same man had walked by some time later, after the Gardai had had their talk with him. Now he looked very focussed and not one bit drunk. Another fraud? Or is a talk with Irish Gardai so serious as to sober a man up like that?
A case from my time in Beijing comes to mind. Beggars on the subway are a common sight there. Especially cripples have not many options in a country without a social net like Germany. Most of them sing or chant Buddha verses into a microphone with a speaker strapped to their backs. Sometimes you see people give them some small change. Same was true of two guys that got on somewhere west of Tian'An Men. One seemed blind, the other hobbled painfully leading him. They chanted and some people gave them money. Since we were in the last car they went up to the end and sat down, chatted. At Guo Mao, the banking district, the got of and leisurely strolled down the platform. Passengers gaped. A miracle? I think not, just a clever business idea.
The sad consequence is that nobody will give anyone anything. Even if they are really in need but after having seen your share of frauds you tend to not trust anyone anymore.
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
The Uncle from Abroad
I had a interesting thought while hiking on Valentia Island during my holiday to Ireland.
I encountered a group of four children, two boys, two girls, maybe ten years old on average. They thought I was one of the many Spanish tourists that seem to travel Ireland at the moment. So they shouted random, Spanish-sounding gibberish at me. I surprised them by knowing English and had them guess my nationality for fun. So, we started chatting. That's quite unusual in itself because I don't normally enjoy talking to small children but these kids were bright and curious. They had family in the area and were visiting for the Easter holidays. They started asking questions about me - the usual stuff kids that age want to know, like how old I was, whether I was married or had a girlfriend, how far away Germany was, what was this or that in German. One girl had even learnt German at school. It was quite interesting listening to them.
Only after some time, after some other tourists had passed I became conscious and began wondering: were they giving me strange looks? And then suddenly, when their aunt or mother came calling for them from the distance, I actually became uneasy. Why? I wasn't doing anything wrong, just having an innocent chat. But still it occurred to me that maybe people would jump to unpleasant conclusions. From that moment I actually wanted to get away or them to leave because I felt that in a minute if their mum came up here I would have to answer questions like: "what are you doing with my children?"
That now strikes me as quite unfortunate that an adult - a male adult at any rate - cannot have a simple chat with some children without having to worry what people think. They were being curious, they had maybe never consciously talked to a foreigner before. But these days you have all the weirdos and paedophiles around that either pretend to be children online or nice, harmless uncles in person. It's sad that I should almost feel guilty talking to these children when I was doing nothing wrong.
It's a strange kind of thinking or awareness that we have to suffer from these days.
I encountered a group of four children, two boys, two girls, maybe ten years old on average. They thought I was one of the many Spanish tourists that seem to travel Ireland at the moment. So they shouted random, Spanish-sounding gibberish at me. I surprised them by knowing English and had them guess my nationality for fun. So, we started chatting. That's quite unusual in itself because I don't normally enjoy talking to small children but these kids were bright and curious. They had family in the area and were visiting for the Easter holidays. They started asking questions about me - the usual stuff kids that age want to know, like how old I was, whether I was married or had a girlfriend, how far away Germany was, what was this or that in German. One girl had even learnt German at school. It was quite interesting listening to them.
Only after some time, after some other tourists had passed I became conscious and began wondering: were they giving me strange looks? And then suddenly, when their aunt or mother came calling for them from the distance, I actually became uneasy. Why? I wasn't doing anything wrong, just having an innocent chat. But still it occurred to me that maybe people would jump to unpleasant conclusions. From that moment I actually wanted to get away or them to leave because I felt that in a minute if their mum came up here I would have to answer questions like: "what are you doing with my children?"
That now strikes me as quite unfortunate that an adult - a male adult at any rate - cannot have a simple chat with some children without having to worry what people think. They were being curious, they had maybe never consciously talked to a foreigner before. But these days you have all the weirdos and paedophiles around that either pretend to be children online or nice, harmless uncles in person. It's sad that I should almost feel guilty talking to these children when I was doing nothing wrong.
It's a strange kind of thinking or awareness that we have to suffer from these days.
Monday, May 02, 2011
Impressions of the Emerald Isle
I collected some thoughts while touring around Ireland. Here they are in no particular order:
- I do like the Celtic type of girl and Irish girls are a lot prettier than the ones I was used to seeing in the UK. Fancy that just on the next island.
- Guinness is good for you. It's true. I believe it.
- Never trust or worry about the weather when you get up, it will change before noon.
- Slopes are always longer than they look. After that promising ridge it will just go on.
- After the bend it will become steeper.
- Roads always lead across the steepest bit of the hill.
- Contrary to many other places in Europe fireplaces are not just decoration.
- Pies are hot inside - fucking hot! Cures you of gluttony really fast.
- Traffic lights don't have to make sense. Showing red to all directions is part of the fun.
- Twelve-bed dorms are really not a good idea.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
The Wizard
Not sure what gave me the idea to write this. Maybe just the thought that whatever mysterious things a magician might do may have a very mundane motivation. I won't over-analyse. I hope you enjoy.
The wizard lived deep within the forest. Turn north off the road to Celcary, cross beyond the rapid stream they call Vauren and venture onto the Gloomy Moors. There beyond the edge of the moors with their drooping willows and belching bogs and foggy pits he makes his abode in a gnarled tower that sticks out of a rocky outcrop like a jagged tooth out of a broken jaw. For most of the villagers of Glendwick and Battrow he is no more than an old wives' tale or something to scare children with at bedtime. Some elders would of course insist that they have seen him on occasion skulking around the edge of the forest. Bredo, the hunter, even told a tall tale that once, on an eve of full moon, he had ventured all the way to the moors pursuing a deer when he had seen a flickering blue light somewhere within the mist that hung over the bogs. He swore that it beckoned to him but then it went out and he had heard a wail so terrible that he had run all the way back to Battrow as if the devil had been on his heels. He had never caught that deer either. After that he would refuse to hunt anywhere beyond the Vauren. In the presence of the wizard, he would intone, animals had learned a bit of magic of their own. It was mainly about eluding him.
But he had been right about one thing: the light was always on in that tower at the edge of the bogs. Here the wizard made his lair behind lichen-covered stone, tattered curtains past which the wind occasionally howled through the windows. He lived among his ancient tomes and musty volumes, bleached parchment scrolls and withered tablets. His tower housed countless oddities, trinkets, and devices from worthless cantrips to powerful artefacts. A crystal ball twinkled mysteriously in the centre of the room and many a night a large black cauldron would quietly gurgle over the fire. Vats connected by winding tubes were arranged on tables, shelves with flasks and phials lined the walls, each labelled in meticulous script. "Philter of Transmutation" read one label, or "Potion of Reduction". In another room on a different level of the tower rows of jars contained "Tear of Fish", or "Hair of a Virgin". One jar holding a sliver shining and glowing like a slice of the moon was labelled "Horn of Unicorn" while another seemed to contain a single flame as of a candle and bore the label "Seed of Fire". Dribbling candles and greasy oil lamps littered the rooms and flickered unsteadily as the wizard brushed past them as if they were bowing in reverence. And in the centre highest room stood the wizard's reading desk, cluttered with folios and opposite it by the wall stood a great blackboard on which he scribbled and drew arcane diagrams. Sometimes as he muttered his incantations the diagrams would come to life and glow with an eerie light or slide across the board and from new symbols. The wizard would study these intently but eventually rub them out and begin anew.
Here then it was where the wizard toiled day and night. Once a strong and handsome young man he had collapsed upon himself. His hair had turned grey and receded far up his scalp. What was left grew unkempt while his matted beard reached down over his chest. His skin had grown pallid and had sagged and drooping, dark shadows had formed under his eyes. His limbs were gnarled like the branches of an old tree and he walked hunched over, leaning on a cane or staff at all times. Yet the wizard knew no rest and each new enchantment he wove drew more life out of him. In his youth he had been a proud master of the arts casting even great spells with ease. Now, as the power coursed through him he would lean heavily on his desk and give a sigh of agony. And yet he pressed on. Only his eyes were still clear but where they had had a wistful twinkle they were now hard as steel and the spirited glow had long since turned into a smouldering gleam.
He noticed neither the turning of seasons nor the coming and going of each day. His work required his constant attention. The vats needed regular monitoring. Certain ingredients required tending or gathering. Sometimes they also needed hunting down. Those were the only long trips the wizard made outside the tower. The last unicorn had not been easy to trap. They said that every time you caught a unicorn it cost you a bit of your soul. And he had already begun feeling stretched thin. And then there were, of course, the enchantments that had to be worked at precisely the right time and in the right succession. The grimoirs in his collection left no doubt about that. The wizard knew the rules of his art only too well. He had failed too many times. He was growing too old, his powers too feeble to start the cycle yet again from the beginning. The seven years would be up soon and the moon was almost full. So he laboured incessantly granting himself no respite.
When the night of the full moon was upon him he arranged the circles and with trembling fingers he drew the ancient diagrams. He infused each with syllables that cracked his lips as he spoke them. He could feel his hair grow white this time as he read aloud the incantations. When darkness had fallen many of his jars and vats were empty.
When the moon hung high and the sky was black as ink, when somewhere in faraway Celcary a clock struck the wizard spoke the final verses. With his bare finger he traced lines that bent and pushed the world itself back and with a creak that could be felt rather than heard it gave way. Forces tearing at him from all sides, mind and body taut with exertion the wizard focussed the centre of all the lines and diagrams. One after the other he pushed the syllables out and with the last of them still ringing in the air she was there, right in the centre of it all. Immaterial though she was there could be no doubt that it was her. The moment had come again at last. Only one more thing remained.
He forced the words out from between his clenched lips. So simple a question. She turned her head to face him. Her eyes met his. Time seemed to stand still and all faded away, the crackling of power, the creaking of the Boundary, his own groans of exertion. Suddenly he could repeat the question in a calm voice. Never breaking the eye contact or his own furious concentration he repeated it slowly, meaningfully. She regarded him with great seriousness. Her gaze seemed to penetrate his very being. She knew the answer. This time he was certain of it. So many times he had stared into her empty eyes but this time it was different. She knew. But she did not speak. Again he repeated the question, imploringly this time. Somewhere far away he could feel the forces were beginning to crush his fragile form. He frantically sought for the spark of approval in her eyes. She had only to speak it aloud and all his efforts and endeavours would have been worthwhile. However, her expression grew sad. Once more he uttered the question. His voice was hoarse and his mouth dry. He could not have changed so much. It was still him. It was still her. She knew the answer! But the passage was closing. Then a single glittering tear ran from the corner of her eye. Gently shaking her head she spoke. And suddenly everything made sense, finally and ultimately made sense. And when she had finished speaking she bade him farewell. An anguished scream wrenched itself from his throat that moment. Sights and sounds came crashing down on him again. He stumbled and collapsed to his knees. The apparition was gone. With his last strength he clawed at the place where she had lain but it was empty as it had been before. The cry began deep in his chest as a frustrated howl but when it burst from his lips it was nothing more than the agonised wail of a defeated old man. Thus the wizard lay on the stone floor in the former focal point of his power and wept.
Eventually, the candles wept out, soon after followed the oil lamps and darkness fell on the high chamber. And when the sky turned grey and even the fire in the hearth had burnt down the tower and the moors around were quiet at last.
The wizard lived deep within the forest. Turn north off the road to Celcary, cross beyond the rapid stream they call Vauren and venture onto the Gloomy Moors. There beyond the edge of the moors with their drooping willows and belching bogs and foggy pits he makes his abode in a gnarled tower that sticks out of a rocky outcrop like a jagged tooth out of a broken jaw. For most of the villagers of Glendwick and Battrow he is no more than an old wives' tale or something to scare children with at bedtime. Some elders would of course insist that they have seen him on occasion skulking around the edge of the forest. Bredo, the hunter, even told a tall tale that once, on an eve of full moon, he had ventured all the way to the moors pursuing a deer when he had seen a flickering blue light somewhere within the mist that hung over the bogs. He swore that it beckoned to him but then it went out and he had heard a wail so terrible that he had run all the way back to Battrow as if the devil had been on his heels. He had never caught that deer either. After that he would refuse to hunt anywhere beyond the Vauren. In the presence of the wizard, he would intone, animals had learned a bit of magic of their own. It was mainly about eluding him.
But he had been right about one thing: the light was always on in that tower at the edge of the bogs. Here the wizard made his lair behind lichen-covered stone, tattered curtains past which the wind occasionally howled through the windows. He lived among his ancient tomes and musty volumes, bleached parchment scrolls and withered tablets. His tower housed countless oddities, trinkets, and devices from worthless cantrips to powerful artefacts. A crystal ball twinkled mysteriously in the centre of the room and many a night a large black cauldron would quietly gurgle over the fire. Vats connected by winding tubes were arranged on tables, shelves with flasks and phials lined the walls, each labelled in meticulous script. "Philter of Transmutation" read one label, or "Potion of Reduction". In another room on a different level of the tower rows of jars contained "Tear of Fish", or "Hair of a Virgin". One jar holding a sliver shining and glowing like a slice of the moon was labelled "Horn of Unicorn" while another seemed to contain a single flame as of a candle and bore the label "Seed of Fire". Dribbling candles and greasy oil lamps littered the rooms and flickered unsteadily as the wizard brushed past them as if they were bowing in reverence. And in the centre highest room stood the wizard's reading desk, cluttered with folios and opposite it by the wall stood a great blackboard on which he scribbled and drew arcane diagrams. Sometimes as he muttered his incantations the diagrams would come to life and glow with an eerie light or slide across the board and from new symbols. The wizard would study these intently but eventually rub them out and begin anew.
Here then it was where the wizard toiled day and night. Once a strong and handsome young man he had collapsed upon himself. His hair had turned grey and receded far up his scalp. What was left grew unkempt while his matted beard reached down over his chest. His skin had grown pallid and had sagged and drooping, dark shadows had formed under his eyes. His limbs were gnarled like the branches of an old tree and he walked hunched over, leaning on a cane or staff at all times. Yet the wizard knew no rest and each new enchantment he wove drew more life out of him. In his youth he had been a proud master of the arts casting even great spells with ease. Now, as the power coursed through him he would lean heavily on his desk and give a sigh of agony. And yet he pressed on. Only his eyes were still clear but where they had had a wistful twinkle they were now hard as steel and the spirited glow had long since turned into a smouldering gleam.
He noticed neither the turning of seasons nor the coming and going of each day. His work required his constant attention. The vats needed regular monitoring. Certain ingredients required tending or gathering. Sometimes they also needed hunting down. Those were the only long trips the wizard made outside the tower. The last unicorn had not been easy to trap. They said that every time you caught a unicorn it cost you a bit of your soul. And he had already begun feeling stretched thin. And then there were, of course, the enchantments that had to be worked at precisely the right time and in the right succession. The grimoirs in his collection left no doubt about that. The wizard knew the rules of his art only too well. He had failed too many times. He was growing too old, his powers too feeble to start the cycle yet again from the beginning. The seven years would be up soon and the moon was almost full. So he laboured incessantly granting himself no respite.
When the night of the full moon was upon him he arranged the circles and with trembling fingers he drew the ancient diagrams. He infused each with syllables that cracked his lips as he spoke them. He could feel his hair grow white this time as he read aloud the incantations. When darkness had fallen many of his jars and vats were empty.
When the moon hung high and the sky was black as ink, when somewhere in faraway Celcary a clock struck the wizard spoke the final verses. With his bare finger he traced lines that bent and pushed the world itself back and with a creak that could be felt rather than heard it gave way. Forces tearing at him from all sides, mind and body taut with exertion the wizard focussed the centre of all the lines and diagrams. One after the other he pushed the syllables out and with the last of them still ringing in the air she was there, right in the centre of it all. Immaterial though she was there could be no doubt that it was her. The moment had come again at last. Only one more thing remained.
He forced the words out from between his clenched lips. So simple a question. She turned her head to face him. Her eyes met his. Time seemed to stand still and all faded away, the crackling of power, the creaking of the Boundary, his own groans of exertion. Suddenly he could repeat the question in a calm voice. Never breaking the eye contact or his own furious concentration he repeated it slowly, meaningfully. She regarded him with great seriousness. Her gaze seemed to penetrate his very being. She knew the answer. This time he was certain of it. So many times he had stared into her empty eyes but this time it was different. She knew. But she did not speak. Again he repeated the question, imploringly this time. Somewhere far away he could feel the forces were beginning to crush his fragile form. He frantically sought for the spark of approval in her eyes. She had only to speak it aloud and all his efforts and endeavours would have been worthwhile. However, her expression grew sad. Once more he uttered the question. His voice was hoarse and his mouth dry. He could not have changed so much. It was still him. It was still her. She knew the answer! But the passage was closing. Then a single glittering tear ran from the corner of her eye. Gently shaking her head she spoke. And suddenly everything made sense, finally and ultimately made sense. And when she had finished speaking she bade him farewell. An anguished scream wrenched itself from his throat that moment. Sights and sounds came crashing down on him again. He stumbled and collapsed to his knees. The apparition was gone. With his last strength he clawed at the place where she had lain but it was empty as it had been before. The cry began deep in his chest as a frustrated howl but when it burst from his lips it was nothing more than the agonised wail of a defeated old man. Thus the wizard lay on the stone floor in the former focal point of his power and wept.
Eventually, the candles wept out, soon after followed the oil lamps and darkness fell on the high chamber. And when the sky turned grey and even the fire in the hearth had burnt down the tower and the moors around were quiet at last.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Culture of Contra
I believe this is what we have in Germany: a culture of opposition. We seem to love opposing and arguing. Maybe it all still hails from the generation for which it was cool to disagree with and oppose the "establishment" (which in those days meant society in general or the government).
According to a much quoted survey (not sure how recent) 80% of Germans are in favour of an immediate halt to nuclear power in Germany. Everyone seems to talk about green, renewable energies. But there is much more disagreement on where to put them. In Brandenburg near Berlin environmentalists themselves protested against the construction of a wind park because the fans might put local birds and bats at risk. In Thuringia the construction of a wind park was even rejected by local government saying "[we] are not having 'windmills' in our picturesque Thuringia Forest." In yet another part of the country the construction of a water plant encountered resistance by the fishing industry.
The power grid providers suffer from very similar problems: Green energies are unpredictable because their yield depends on the forces of nature. To prevent imbalance that would damage the grid power must be redistributed quickly as some generators come online or go offline. This requires a developed infrastructure which Germany still lacks. Unfortunately, efforts to extend it also keep encountering resistance. Grid providers have to fight political battles "for every kilometre" of lines they build. Why? Because communities don't want the masts which support the cables around. I remember when I was young we were taught to hate the above-ground power lines because birds get caught in them and die.
These are just examples but they should go a long way to prove my point. In this country we seem to know very clearly what we don't want. But we are hard-pressed when it comes to a solution. "Nuclear power, no thanks" ("Atomkraft, nein danke"), say the idealistic badges that people have started to decorate their facebook profiles with. I wonder how some of them would react if they had to have a solar panel on their roof and a huge wind generator in their back garden. A lot of people at least seem to think it's a good idea - as long as it happens to somebody else. Because right here or right now would be really inconvenient. "Do it. Yes to green energy. Just not here. Somewhere else would be a lot better." I've even heard some people then come up with the idea that this should be a European effort anyway. Wind parks should be built in Norway where the wind always blows and solar parks in Spain where the sun shines a lot. To me that's the next step of delegating. I wonder what the Spanish would say, or the Norwegians. I'm sure they don't want their mesas covered with solar panels nor their coastlines and fjords cluttered with wind generators either.
"Use less power", I read on one of my contacts' facebook page. That does seem like the ultimate solution - until you implement it. Almost everything uses electricity these days. And our appliances and gadgets are highly energy-efficient, much more so than they used to be. I don't turn on lights or appliances I don't need. Still, I have an electricity bill every month. What else should I do? Not turn on the computer and read a book? Not turn on the light and go to bed early or use a candle? Not use a washing machine and wash clothes by hand? Sound silly? You make a better suggestion! And besides: we have all these creature comforts - mobile phones, computers and Internet access in every household, TV in every household, electric light in every household. People in countries all over the world envy us for this luxury (I've been to Laos, I've seen the difference). Are we to throw all that away?? Laotians would think us barking mad and they'd be damn right about it.
What I wish is that protesters, the government, everyone would think their position through to the ultimate consequence. We are arguing about the future of Germany here, after all. We should stop this short-sighted bickering. If we make a decision on one level, e.g. go green entirely right now, then we need to make adjustments on a different level, e.g. communities need to accept construction of generators and power lines. The faster we want to press a radical decision on the one level the faster decisions also need to be made on the other. This should be obvious to even the most naïve environmentalist that completely abolishing nuclear energy in Germany is a move that will have severe consequences - on our infrastructure, on our environment and maybe even on our way of life.
Personally, I don't see it's necessary. Germany is already one of the most environmentally friendly countries in the world. People from all over admire us because "Germany is so clean" and for our high standard of living. Why should we give that up? For moral higher ground? To take the role of the precursor (and hope others will follow)? If you can make it happen then do and do it properly but don't blindly forge ahead! We were bloody lucky to have been born in a country where we can talk about giving up luxury and not in a place where our family lives, six or more of them, in a small wooden hut with a noisy, smelly diesel generator out back so that everyone can enjoy a few hours of electric light every evening. Those people don't use much electricity but I'm sure they wish they could. Anyone who needs to feel that close to Mother Earth has a lot of countries to choose from. Germany has always prided itself with high standards, high technology, quality of work and of life. I for one don't want to see this country turn into a banana republic because of some idealistic fools.
Or is it after all the way the song "Rebell" by German punk rock band Die Ärzte goes?
Maybe that is us, after all. Rebels without a cause. The former "country of poets and thinkers" where nowadays people talk too much and think too little. I'm so sick of seeing this country progress that way.
According to a much quoted survey (not sure how recent) 80% of Germans are in favour of an immediate halt to nuclear power in Germany. Everyone seems to talk about green, renewable energies. But there is much more disagreement on where to put them. In Brandenburg near Berlin environmentalists themselves protested against the construction of a wind park because the fans might put local birds and bats at risk. In Thuringia the construction of a wind park was even rejected by local government saying "[we] are not having 'windmills' in our picturesque Thuringia Forest." In yet another part of the country the construction of a water plant encountered resistance by the fishing industry.
The power grid providers suffer from very similar problems: Green energies are unpredictable because their yield depends on the forces of nature. To prevent imbalance that would damage the grid power must be redistributed quickly as some generators come online or go offline. This requires a developed infrastructure which Germany still lacks. Unfortunately, efforts to extend it also keep encountering resistance. Grid providers have to fight political battles "for every kilometre" of lines they build. Why? Because communities don't want the masts which support the cables around. I remember when I was young we were taught to hate the above-ground power lines because birds get caught in them and die.
These are just examples but they should go a long way to prove my point. In this country we seem to know very clearly what we don't want. But we are hard-pressed when it comes to a solution. "Nuclear power, no thanks" ("Atomkraft, nein danke"), say the idealistic badges that people have started to decorate their facebook profiles with. I wonder how some of them would react if they had to have a solar panel on their roof and a huge wind generator in their back garden. A lot of people at least seem to think it's a good idea - as long as it happens to somebody else. Because right here or right now would be really inconvenient. "Do it. Yes to green energy. Just not here. Somewhere else would be a lot better." I've even heard some people then come up with the idea that this should be a European effort anyway. Wind parks should be built in Norway where the wind always blows and solar parks in Spain where the sun shines a lot. To me that's the next step of delegating. I wonder what the Spanish would say, or the Norwegians. I'm sure they don't want their mesas covered with solar panels nor their coastlines and fjords cluttered with wind generators either.
"Use less power", I read on one of my contacts' facebook page. That does seem like the ultimate solution - until you implement it. Almost everything uses electricity these days. And our appliances and gadgets are highly energy-efficient, much more so than they used to be. I don't turn on lights or appliances I don't need. Still, I have an electricity bill every month. What else should I do? Not turn on the computer and read a book? Not turn on the light and go to bed early or use a candle? Not use a washing machine and wash clothes by hand? Sound silly? You make a better suggestion! And besides: we have all these creature comforts - mobile phones, computers and Internet access in every household, TV in every household, electric light in every household. People in countries all over the world envy us for this luxury (I've been to Laos, I've seen the difference). Are we to throw all that away?? Laotians would think us barking mad and they'd be damn right about it.
What I wish is that protesters, the government, everyone would think their position through to the ultimate consequence. We are arguing about the future of Germany here, after all. We should stop this short-sighted bickering. If we make a decision on one level, e.g. go green entirely right now, then we need to make adjustments on a different level, e.g. communities need to accept construction of generators and power lines. The faster we want to press a radical decision on the one level the faster decisions also need to be made on the other. This should be obvious to even the most naïve environmentalist that completely abolishing nuclear energy in Germany is a move that will have severe consequences - on our infrastructure, on our environment and maybe even on our way of life.
Personally, I don't see it's necessary. Germany is already one of the most environmentally friendly countries in the world. People from all over admire us because "Germany is so clean" and for our high standard of living. Why should we give that up? For moral higher ground? To take the role of the precursor (and hope others will follow)? If you can make it happen then do and do it properly but don't blindly forge ahead! We were bloody lucky to have been born in a country where we can talk about giving up luxury and not in a place where our family lives, six or more of them, in a small wooden hut with a noisy, smelly diesel generator out back so that everyone can enjoy a few hours of electric light every evening. Those people don't use much electricity but I'm sure they wish they could. Anyone who needs to feel that close to Mother Earth has a lot of countries to choose from. Germany has always prided itself with high standards, high technology, quality of work and of life. I for one don't want to see this country turn into a banana republic because of some idealistic fools.
Or is it after all the way the song "Rebell" by German punk rock band Die Ärzte goes?
Ich bin dagegen, denn du bist dafür (I am against it, because you are in favour)
Ich bin dagegen, ich bin nicht so wie ihr (I am against it, I am not like you)
Ich bin dagegen, egal worum es geht (I am against it, no matter what it's about)
Ich bin dagegen, weil ihr nichts davon versteht (I am against it, because you don't understand a thing)
Ich bin dagegen, ich sag es noch einmal (I am against it, I say it again)
Ich bin dagegen, warum ist doch egal (I am against it, it doesn't matter why)
[...]
Ich bin dagegen, ich bin nicht so wie ihr (I am against it, I am not like you)
Ich bin dagegen, egal worum es geht (I am against it, no matter what it's about)
Ich bin dagegen, weil ihr nichts davon versteht (I am against it, because you don't understand a thing)
Ich bin dagegen, ich sag es noch einmal (I am against it, I say it again)
Ich bin dagegen, warum ist doch egal (I am against it, it doesn't matter why)
[...]
Maybe that is us, after all. Rebels without a cause. The former "country of poets and thinkers" where nowadays people talk too much and think too little. I'm so sick of seeing this country progress that way.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
The Green Choice?
Seriously, I'm getting pissed off and very frustrated with the hysteria about nuclear energy that is going on in Germany at the moment. In the face of the nuclear disaster in Japan at the moment our chancellor Merkel has announced that the government will now push forward its plans to abolish nuclear power in Germany (Atomausstieg) and will shut down the first few plants right away.
People who follow news in Germany may spot a pattern here: something bad happens elsewhere in the world and immediately Germans go into hysterics. This is, of course, especially true of the media and politicians. A day after the terrorist attack in New York and Washington in 2001 entire streets in Berlin were locked down for fear of a follow-up attack. Probably because someone spotted a bearded Muslim in Kreuzberg (people who know Berlin will get the sarcasm). My grandfather who follows the stock market says that when New York or Tokyo do a dip you can expect Frankfurt to do the same the next day. And now this. Japan is hit by a devastating earthquake and German politicians want to shut down our nuclear plants. Because the same thing could just happen here, right? Well, bullshit, Japan is right on a tectonic fault line between the Eurasian and Pacific plate. They have earthquakes all the time - even though the recent one seems to be the fiercest in history. Germany, however, is nowhere near a fault line. The only significant quake during my 31 years of life was in 1992 and did not cause a single casualty. A 9.something on the Richter scale does not happen here. There is no significant seismic activity and has not been for centuries. Fortunately, some people didn't switch off their thinking and the whole plan to shut down reactors has already been found unconstitutional (guess who's been playing bla-bla-bingo again).
I've even had arguments with some colleagues, many of who are also against nuclear power. The German media are (as usual) pointing their dirty fingers at China for building more nuclear power plants than anywhere else in the world and not considering the risks. Then again, they also pointed accusing fingers when China built the Three Gorges Dam - a green project that required some villages to be controversially displaced. I guess, if they talked as much about development projects in China as they do in Germany (vis. Stuttgart 21, Frankfurt Airport runway 4, expansion of Berlin Airport, etc.) they would probably still rank as Third World over there.
Anyway, that's beside the point. Other nuclear reliant countries (France and also China now) are re-evaluating the risks of nuclear plants but nobody is considering shutting existing plants down. We Germans are to lead by example. I wonder if anyone will follow or if they will just wait to snicker later.
But giving some thought to the matter:
Nuclear energy comes at a price. We've seen what a malfunctioning reactor can do - in Chernobyl and we may yet see it in Japan - although I pray to God that we won't. Obviously, high safety standards must be enforced. Also there is the problem of nuclear waste, which must be disposed of securely, future-proof and environmentally friendly. Fuel is finite but so is all other earthly fuel. On the other hand, energy generation by nuclear fission (rather than fusion which is still in its infancy) is the most efficient form of power source we have. It's really useful when you want to supply a lot of people with electricity at a low cost (guess why China is building so many of them). Fuel may be finite but it'll probably last us longer than fossil fuels. And aside from spent fuel rods nuclear plants run very clean. The only thing that pours out of them is steam.
You may say, the cons still have it. So what are the alternatives? Fossil fuels and green energies. Both have their shortcomings.
Fossil fuels (coal, oil or gas) are less efficient than nuclear power. They burn dirty and even though you equip power plants with carbon filters they still smoke (also, carbon filters are not even fitted in all countries). And fossil fuels are even more finite than nuclear ones.
Green energies (sun, wind or water) are the desired solution - especially here in Germany. They are infinitely renewable, environmentally friendly and hazard-free. They are also significantly less efficient than nuclear power. I believe they are even still less efficient than at least some fossil fuels. They are significantly more expensive than all other energies. I know this from when I was choosing a power supplier - they gave me the option to choose green energy at a surcharge. Plus, two out of the three are not even reliable.
Let's look at each in turn.
Solar energy: I remember, in Germany you have to get a reduction on your power bill if you have a solar panel on your roof. I also believe I remember that a solar panel as big as your roof is not enough to supply a large household with electricity. Now imagine how big an area of panels it would take to supply a large city the size of, say, Cologne or Hamburg or Berlin. Where would you put them all? Also, as I've recently been told, spent solar panels cannot just be scrapped but constitute fairly toxic waste. Moreover, I seem to remember that at least initially it used to take almost as much energy to produce a solar panel as that panel would produce during its average lifetime (maybe this is an urban legend or at least outdated). Finally, this energy is strongly reliant on the weather. In Germany, many regions tend to have lots of cloudy days. Frankly, I really don't want there to be a direct causal link between the sun shining and me having a hot lunch.
Wind energy: To capture the power of the wind you need a huge fan with attached generator mounted on a pillar some 20 meters tall. And, as with solar panels, one is not enough. Even for a single large household. Now the sheer size of each "windmill" makes this technology impractical for use in urban areas. You would need vast wind parks somewhere outside cities. One of my colleagues rashly commented that we would need to make use of nature reserves for this, too. But what of the environmental implications of that? To build this amount of structures you couldn't leave nature around them intact. Then, when built they would look horrible in the landscape and I wouldn't be surprised if the noise made by hundreds of wind generators and fan blades would disrupt wildlife in the entire area. By now we have a fairly good understanding of ecosystems and of how their parts depend on each other. If such parks were built on a large scale can we predict what effect that will have? And finally, wind energy is, again, very weather dependent. Of course, long periods of calm weather may finally make us go to bed a bit earlier.
Water power: This is maybe the only really infinite power source since it just depends on water flowing downward. However, it does heavily depend on the region. If there is no major river in the area you cannot build a water plant. A water plant also has significant environmental implications. For one, you have to build a barrier - the dam - right across a river. This may, for instance, impede the migration of fish. Furthermore, in some cases the course of the river itself has to be altered and most of the time the waters of the river are dammed up (as seen in the cases of the Hoover Dam or the Three Gorges Dam). Who knows what the effects of that may be. I believe when they started building the Three Gorges Dam environmentalists were shouting about some endangered species of frog whereas, fortunately, the Hoover Dam happens to be in the middle of the desert. Finally, you may also argue that the dams do not exactly enrich the landscape.
On the whole, I can see applications of green energies. Regions near major rivers can profit from environmentally friendly water power. Solar and wind power can grant autonomy from the power grid. There's a reason why satellites and space probes are fitted with solar panels. They may also allow outlying homes to be fairly autonomous - if the residents can afford to have the equipment installed. I have seen farms or homes on North Sea islands equipped with up to three wind generators. So that does make sense.
But
Even if we could snap our fingers, shut down all nuclear reactors and switch to green energies, what of the cost? The government, the media and a lot of average citizens are demanding an immediate halt to nuclear power. At the same time there's a public howl of disapproval when energy suppliers and even our clever chancellor start talking about a higher electricity price per unit. Isn't this childish? People want both: a clean conscience (and moral higher ground) and a low monthly electricity bill. Well, maybe they can't have it. And what if our output is not enough, then we'll buy power from abroad, maybe from France - nuclear power from France. We may boldly go forth and shut down our reactors but the nearest French nuclear power plant is just across the Rhine. If something goes wrong there we'd be the first to notice. As of now I can't see them shutting it down. I can't even remember hearing that the Japanese are shutting down any of their other reactors. I would expect that they are happy the other 50-odd ones are still up and running.
So, in summary, how are we to get away from nuclear energy at this time? Take a look at the electricity needs a single household may have: lights, fridge, cooking, appliances, phone, computer, TV, stereo, modem, exterior lighting, air con up to and including your electric tooth brush. We want all this stuff, we feel we need it. But too many people seem to believe the juice they need just comes from the wall socket. Of course, we should be aware of our use of electricity and not waste. Still, the more we rely on machines the more electric power we will need. Even more so if we are serious about moving toward electric cars. All that power has to come from somewhere and I cannot see a believable green solution yet. All I hear is heated talk but that's not enough to spin turbines.
So until somebody shows me a better solution I choose nuclear energy.
People who follow news in Germany may spot a pattern here: something bad happens elsewhere in the world and immediately Germans go into hysterics. This is, of course, especially true of the media and politicians. A day after the terrorist attack in New York and Washington in 2001 entire streets in Berlin were locked down for fear of a follow-up attack. Probably because someone spotted a bearded Muslim in Kreuzberg (people who know Berlin will get the sarcasm). My grandfather who follows the stock market says that when New York or Tokyo do a dip you can expect Frankfurt to do the same the next day. And now this. Japan is hit by a devastating earthquake and German politicians want to shut down our nuclear plants. Because the same thing could just happen here, right? Well, bullshit, Japan is right on a tectonic fault line between the Eurasian and Pacific plate. They have earthquakes all the time - even though the recent one seems to be the fiercest in history. Germany, however, is nowhere near a fault line. The only significant quake during my 31 years of life was in 1992 and did not cause a single casualty. A 9.something on the Richter scale does not happen here. There is no significant seismic activity and has not been for centuries. Fortunately, some people didn't switch off their thinking and the whole plan to shut down reactors has already been found unconstitutional (guess who's been playing bla-bla-bingo again).
I've even had arguments with some colleagues, many of who are also against nuclear power. The German media are (as usual) pointing their dirty fingers at China for building more nuclear power plants than anywhere else in the world and not considering the risks. Then again, they also pointed accusing fingers when China built the Three Gorges Dam - a green project that required some villages to be controversially displaced. I guess, if they talked as much about development projects in China as they do in Germany (vis. Stuttgart 21, Frankfurt Airport runway 4, expansion of Berlin Airport, etc.) they would probably still rank as Third World over there.
Anyway, that's beside the point. Other nuclear reliant countries (France and also China now) are re-evaluating the risks of nuclear plants but nobody is considering shutting existing plants down. We Germans are to lead by example. I wonder if anyone will follow or if they will just wait to snicker later.
But giving some thought to the matter:
Nuclear energy comes at a price. We've seen what a malfunctioning reactor can do - in Chernobyl and we may yet see it in Japan - although I pray to God that we won't. Obviously, high safety standards must be enforced. Also there is the problem of nuclear waste, which must be disposed of securely, future-proof and environmentally friendly. Fuel is finite but so is all other earthly fuel. On the other hand, energy generation by nuclear fission (rather than fusion which is still in its infancy) is the most efficient form of power source we have. It's really useful when you want to supply a lot of people with electricity at a low cost (guess why China is building so many of them). Fuel may be finite but it'll probably last us longer than fossil fuels. And aside from spent fuel rods nuclear plants run very clean. The only thing that pours out of them is steam.
You may say, the cons still have it. So what are the alternatives? Fossil fuels and green energies. Both have their shortcomings.
Fossil fuels (coal, oil or gas) are less efficient than nuclear power. They burn dirty and even though you equip power plants with carbon filters they still smoke (also, carbon filters are not even fitted in all countries). And fossil fuels are even more finite than nuclear ones.
Green energies (sun, wind or water) are the desired solution - especially here in Germany. They are infinitely renewable, environmentally friendly and hazard-free. They are also significantly less efficient than nuclear power. I believe they are even still less efficient than at least some fossil fuels. They are significantly more expensive than all other energies. I know this from when I was choosing a power supplier - they gave me the option to choose green energy at a surcharge. Plus, two out of the three are not even reliable.
Let's look at each in turn.
Solar energy: I remember, in Germany you have to get a reduction on your power bill if you have a solar panel on your roof. I also believe I remember that a solar panel as big as your roof is not enough to supply a large household with electricity. Now imagine how big an area of panels it would take to supply a large city the size of, say, Cologne or Hamburg or Berlin. Where would you put them all? Also, as I've recently been told, spent solar panels cannot just be scrapped but constitute fairly toxic waste. Moreover, I seem to remember that at least initially it used to take almost as much energy to produce a solar panel as that panel would produce during its average lifetime (maybe this is an urban legend or at least outdated). Finally, this energy is strongly reliant on the weather. In Germany, many regions tend to have lots of cloudy days. Frankly, I really don't want there to be a direct causal link between the sun shining and me having a hot lunch.
Wind energy: To capture the power of the wind you need a huge fan with attached generator mounted on a pillar some 20 meters tall. And, as with solar panels, one is not enough. Even for a single large household. Now the sheer size of each "windmill" makes this technology impractical for use in urban areas. You would need vast wind parks somewhere outside cities. One of my colleagues rashly commented that we would need to make use of nature reserves for this, too. But what of the environmental implications of that? To build this amount of structures you couldn't leave nature around them intact. Then, when built they would look horrible in the landscape and I wouldn't be surprised if the noise made by hundreds of wind generators and fan blades would disrupt wildlife in the entire area. By now we have a fairly good understanding of ecosystems and of how their parts depend on each other. If such parks were built on a large scale can we predict what effect that will have? And finally, wind energy is, again, very weather dependent. Of course, long periods of calm weather may finally make us go to bed a bit earlier.
Water power: This is maybe the only really infinite power source since it just depends on water flowing downward. However, it does heavily depend on the region. If there is no major river in the area you cannot build a water plant. A water plant also has significant environmental implications. For one, you have to build a barrier - the dam - right across a river. This may, for instance, impede the migration of fish. Furthermore, in some cases the course of the river itself has to be altered and most of the time the waters of the river are dammed up (as seen in the cases of the Hoover Dam or the Three Gorges Dam). Who knows what the effects of that may be. I believe when they started building the Three Gorges Dam environmentalists were shouting about some endangered species of frog whereas, fortunately, the Hoover Dam happens to be in the middle of the desert. Finally, you may also argue that the dams do not exactly enrich the landscape.
On the whole, I can see applications of green energies. Regions near major rivers can profit from environmentally friendly water power. Solar and wind power can grant autonomy from the power grid. There's a reason why satellites and space probes are fitted with solar panels. They may also allow outlying homes to be fairly autonomous - if the residents can afford to have the equipment installed. I have seen farms or homes on North Sea islands equipped with up to three wind generators. So that does make sense.
But
Even if we could snap our fingers, shut down all nuclear reactors and switch to green energies, what of the cost? The government, the media and a lot of average citizens are demanding an immediate halt to nuclear power. At the same time there's a public howl of disapproval when energy suppliers and even our clever chancellor start talking about a higher electricity price per unit. Isn't this childish? People want both: a clean conscience (and moral higher ground) and a low monthly electricity bill. Well, maybe they can't have it. And what if our output is not enough, then we'll buy power from abroad, maybe from France - nuclear power from France. We may boldly go forth and shut down our reactors but the nearest French nuclear power plant is just across the Rhine. If something goes wrong there we'd be the first to notice. As of now I can't see them shutting it down. I can't even remember hearing that the Japanese are shutting down any of their other reactors. I would expect that they are happy the other 50-odd ones are still up and running.
So, in summary, how are we to get away from nuclear energy at this time? Take a look at the electricity needs a single household may have: lights, fridge, cooking, appliances, phone, computer, TV, stereo, modem, exterior lighting, air con up to and including your electric tooth brush. We want all this stuff, we feel we need it. But too many people seem to believe the juice they need just comes from the wall socket. Of course, we should be aware of our use of electricity and not waste. Still, the more we rely on machines the more electric power we will need. Even more so if we are serious about moving toward electric cars. All that power has to come from somewhere and I cannot see a believable green solution yet. All I hear is heated talk but that's not enough to spin turbines.
So until somebody shows me a better solution I choose nuclear energy.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
The Future
The future. I've never been scared about the future. I've never looked ahead like I do now. People may say the future is full of potential, full of opportunity. But sometimes that all depends on your point of view or at least your frame of mind. I may have worried about the future. Would I pass my A-levels? Would I pass university? Would I find a job? Would I find someone to love? Would my dream of a world-trip come true? But there's more than one way to think about it.
We speed along on the highway of life with no U-turn allowed. When I was young it felt as if all the world was still ahead of me. The scenery that went by did so at a steady trot with enough time to take it in and enjoy the view. Problem of course is that when you have the time you never appreciate that you have it. Then as I finished school the pace picked up. College and university were finished so quickly. Before I knew it my new girlfriend had become my ex-girlfriend. And now it feels as if I had even changed into the fast lane. I do not mean this in the musician's sense of the word as "living an eventful life" (though I do try to fill my days). It's more like everything seems to be happening so fast. Three months pass in what seems like days. A year that I just started is already over and I feel like I just finished thinking about my New Year resolutions. The only things that remain are memories that slowly begin to fade. It's as if you were driving fast through a beautiful landscape at night. Things show up in your headlights, you start anticipating them, then they whir past your window and you have hardly enough time to inspect them more closely. When you look at them in the rear view mirror in the red rear lights they already seem all different and changed until they slowly fade back to black. We are merely left with the certain feeling of: "that place was nice, would have been great if I could have stayed there." Will be becomes now. Is becomes was. And was will never be again.
I guess it's normal to feel nostalgic and a bit melancholic when returning to one's childhood home. I sometimes feel the strong urge to live in that house again, in my old room. To have nothing but my homework to do in the afternoon and lots of time to watch the seasons change and go outside to meet friends and play. I am sometimes almost flooded with memories of the Christmases I spent there, of how I used to watch TV for afternoons on end, gaze at the stars at night. They are memories of what the field where the office building is now used to look like, of the games I played with friends. I can still see it clearly in front of my mind's eye. I see it when I look out of the window of my old room or when I stand in our little garden. And I see how at the centre of it all was this very house and the people in it.
But now there is another, a new feeling, too. Suddenly I have this illogical fear of the future. Because it means loss. Eventually I will loose my grandparents and then my parents. Then I will have no more place to go back to. My home, my childhood and the people that tie me to it will be a thing of the past, for good. I realise that in the past I could never imagine a time when they would not be there. It just seemed unrealistic, surrealistic. Looking at them I see how fragile this future has become. It's coming home to me that I will sooner rather than later have to bid them the last farewells. And then my life will never be the same again. I have been lucky in that I have not yet had to deal with the death of a close relative but that also makes me unlucky because I will not be prepared. No matter how much I think about it now, how much I worry or may be afraid, I will not be prepared. I begin wondering how much time there is left. I am caught between wishing for my freedom and feeling the attachment to them. I pray to God - not that this cup may pass me by (because I know it cannot) - but to give it more time.
I sometimes envy other young people for not feeling this so strongly or for not worrying. I still have dreams of going away again, maybe one day not to come back home. But at the same time I know I will regret it dearly if I do not spend at least some of the time I have with them now. I also realise that maybe it is now time to say that even though we have had our clashes and quarrels I do appreciate them because God knows there are enough people out there who did not take the opportunity and regretted it bitterly. Then I hope there will at least not be any tears of regret when the time comes and is does become was.
We speed along on the highway of life with no U-turn allowed. When I was young it felt as if all the world was still ahead of me. The scenery that went by did so at a steady trot with enough time to take it in and enjoy the view. Problem of course is that when you have the time you never appreciate that you have it. Then as I finished school the pace picked up. College and university were finished so quickly. Before I knew it my new girlfriend had become my ex-girlfriend. And now it feels as if I had even changed into the fast lane. I do not mean this in the musician's sense of the word as "living an eventful life" (though I do try to fill my days). It's more like everything seems to be happening so fast. Three months pass in what seems like days. A year that I just started is already over and I feel like I just finished thinking about my New Year resolutions. The only things that remain are memories that slowly begin to fade. It's as if you were driving fast through a beautiful landscape at night. Things show up in your headlights, you start anticipating them, then they whir past your window and you have hardly enough time to inspect them more closely. When you look at them in the rear view mirror in the red rear lights they already seem all different and changed until they slowly fade back to black. We are merely left with the certain feeling of: "that place was nice, would have been great if I could have stayed there." Will be becomes now. Is becomes was. And was will never be again.
I guess it's normal to feel nostalgic and a bit melancholic when returning to one's childhood home. I sometimes feel the strong urge to live in that house again, in my old room. To have nothing but my homework to do in the afternoon and lots of time to watch the seasons change and go outside to meet friends and play. I am sometimes almost flooded with memories of the Christmases I spent there, of how I used to watch TV for afternoons on end, gaze at the stars at night. They are memories of what the field where the office building is now used to look like, of the games I played with friends. I can still see it clearly in front of my mind's eye. I see it when I look out of the window of my old room or when I stand in our little garden. And I see how at the centre of it all was this very house and the people in it.
But now there is another, a new feeling, too. Suddenly I have this illogical fear of the future. Because it means loss. Eventually I will loose my grandparents and then my parents. Then I will have no more place to go back to. My home, my childhood and the people that tie me to it will be a thing of the past, for good. I realise that in the past I could never imagine a time when they would not be there. It just seemed unrealistic, surrealistic. Looking at them I see how fragile this future has become. It's coming home to me that I will sooner rather than later have to bid them the last farewells. And then my life will never be the same again. I have been lucky in that I have not yet had to deal with the death of a close relative but that also makes me unlucky because I will not be prepared. No matter how much I think about it now, how much I worry or may be afraid, I will not be prepared. I begin wondering how much time there is left. I am caught between wishing for my freedom and feeling the attachment to them. I pray to God - not that this cup may pass me by (because I know it cannot) - but to give it more time.
I sometimes envy other young people for not feeling this so strongly or for not worrying. I still have dreams of going away again, maybe one day not to come back home. But at the same time I know I will regret it dearly if I do not spend at least some of the time I have with them now. I also realise that maybe it is now time to say that even though we have had our clashes and quarrels I do appreciate them because God knows there are enough people out there who did not take the opportunity and regretted it bitterly. Then I hope there will at least not be any tears of regret when the time comes and is does become was.
Monday, February 07, 2011
The Greatest Thing ...
I've watched that film again ... after a very long time. The medium has changed. So has the place. I thought I could watch it now like I do any other film in my collection. But some things time does not change.
As the familiar sights and sounds flood over me so do the memories. It was the first movie we watched together. She had to work hard to persuade me to watch it with her but I ended up loving it as much as she did. We absorbed it and it became us in a certain way. It may seem naive or silly now but we found a deeper, personal meaning in the story and the characters and the songs. We would later quote from it and see ourselves as similarly fated star-crossed lovers.
But most of all it became our first tangible shared experience. Sitting in the dark cinema with her she had to keep telling me to focus on the film. I was too overwhelmed by her presence next to me. I remember it now as clearly as if it had been last week.
Hearing these words now I remember how it as a time when love was something mad, wild and dreamy like a force of nature. I remember listening to the song and for the first time I understood what the character was singing about. I was delirious.
And even though a lot of things have changed since then - feelings and people - I still recall those moments and the feelings then. The film has become my memory aid. By watching it I can relive those days a bit. And though I am happy now I do feel a sting that all that is past now and will not come back. I want to be back there in that dark cinema and dream again. I cannot feel anymore like I did then. It's never quite the same again. The first time is and will always be special. Maybe it's a blessing for her that she has forgotten. Maybe I should too. But there will probably always be this pang of regret now that I didn't make it last forever the way I had meant to when we were sitting in that dark cinema together and listened to those magical words:
As the familiar sights and sounds flood over me so do the memories. It was the first movie we watched together. She had to work hard to persuade me to watch it with her but I ended up loving it as much as she did. We absorbed it and it became us in a certain way. It may seem naive or silly now but we found a deeper, personal meaning in the story and the characters and the songs. We would later quote from it and see ourselves as similarly fated star-crossed lovers.
But most of all it became our first tangible shared experience. Sitting in the dark cinema with her she had to keep telling me to focus on the film. I was too overwhelmed by her presence next to me. I remember it now as clearly as if it had been last week.
And you can tell everybody this is your song.
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind,
that I put down in words how wonderful life is now you're in the world.
Hearing these words now I remember how it as a time when love was something mad, wild and dreamy like a force of nature. I remember listening to the song and for the first time I understood what the character was singing about. I was delirious.
And even though a lot of things have changed since then - feelings and people - I still recall those moments and the feelings then. The film has become my memory aid. By watching it I can relive those days a bit. And though I am happy now I do feel a sting that all that is past now and will not come back. I want to be back there in that dark cinema and dream again. I cannot feel anymore like I did then. It's never quite the same again. The first time is and will always be special. Maybe it's a blessing for her that she has forgotten. Maybe I should too. But there will probably always be this pang of regret now that I didn't make it last forever the way I had meant to when we were sitting in that dark cinema together and listened to those magical words:
The greatest thing you'll ever learn
is just to love and be loved in return.
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