Here's another short story. Again, it's based on true feelings. Seems I've been inspired this week. It's a way to pass lonely evenings and my mind off things. Hope you like this one.
The whistle blows shrilly echoing through the station hall. It even drowns out the din of the crowd for a moment. People are coming and going, pushing and shoving. The vast hall is filled with noise and the smoke and steam from the great engines.
But all that is not important. There is her in front of me. Her large brown eyes are locked with mine. Eyes are the window to the soul. So I let myself sink into the soul of that wonderful being that holds my gaze, that holds my heart. She holds every fiber of my being. She knows that. And I'm lost. Willingly and happily. I love you, those eyes tell me. I'll always love you. No matter where you are, what you do. You are the one I adore. I see a passion deep as the ocean. It doesn't burn bright anymore like fire. That's only for those sweet first months. Her passion is of a different quality altogether. It makes her glow from within. It's like with coals. A wood fire burns bright and fast but is easy to extinguish. But try to put out glowing coals once they are hot enough to melt iron. She told me about this once. She knows so much. That's one reason I love her. One glance and she seems to have figured me out. She understands me better than I understand myself sometimes. I don't know where I'd be without her. How comforting her presence is. It's like a warm blanket for my soul. When she is there I know things can't be as bad as they look. With her around I have faith. I believe we will find a way no matter how difficult things may look. I let myself fall into that deep well that is her eyes. The love I find there envelopes me, shields me but it also gives me strength and courage. The strength to grow beyond myself, the will to be more than I am, to strive for higher goals. And she, like a gentle goddess, bestows on me the courage to go forth and do what I must do. I do it for her. Without questioning, without doubt.
The despots of the past were all wrong. Loyalty can't be forced. Even the political icons of the modern world are mistaken. Promises can't win the hearts and minds of their citizens. Love can't be bought. Trust can't be bribed. In fact, that's what makes it the most valuable commodity of all. It comes for free but once broken no money in the world can buy it back. She also taught me this. And I do trust her. For the smile on her lips I would walk through fire. For the caress of her hand I'd swim an ocean of storms and maelstroms. And for the place in her heart I'd travel to hell and back without a second thought. I'd do that for her and her alone. And I'm in heaven knowing that this beautiful creature loves me back. And I know she'd never ask for any proof. Because a look in my eyes will tell her all she needs to know.
Looking into each other's eyes like this we need no spoken words. I can almost see her thoughts pan out in front of me. I see the many ways she can love me. The manifold ways she adores me. I see the countless memories we share. There's us lying next to each other in fields of golden barley staring at the sky. There's us gazing at the sunset across the lake. There's her first and completely failed attempt at cooking dinner and my even more failed attempt at assisting her. How horrible it tasted and how we laughed. There's the time a downpour surprised us on the way home from the inn when we sought shelter under the narrow porch of somebody's house. We were completely drenched and her dress clung beautifully to her body. There's the time I nursed her for several days when she had the shakes and high fever. There's, of course, our first kiss. At first neither of dared to make a move until in the end we bumped heads. Then there's the passion we shared last night. All our lives together pan out like a grand painting. Everything that led us to how we feel today, right now.
There's also fear in her eyes. Fear because of what's happening around us in the world. Fear because the future has made a turn for the worse and we can't know where we are going anymore. There's the desperate wish that we could forget all this and go back to the way things used to be. To the fields of innocence. And I wish with all my heart that I could grant her that. Like a genie just by snapping my fingers. But I cannot. There is no way back. We both know that. The world has descended into turmoil. A turmoil that threatens to swallow everything in its path like a hungry beast. Just like it devoured our paradise on earth. It forces us to do things that are against our nature. It forces man to lift his hand in anger against man. And it forces me to part with the one I swore never to abandon, the one whose presence is more precious to me than the warmth of the sun. My love. My life. My one and only. My everything. The unthinkable has become reality. Powers greater than us demand it. So I must go and follow. I cannot even resent it. That is the way things are. I look into her eyes and we understand. There is no option, no choice, no alternative.
There's just that little flicker in her eyes that says: “I cannot live without you.” “Come back to me”, her eyes say to me, and: “I'll wait for you.” “I'm yours”, her eyes tell me. “Always”, they affirm. “Don't ever forget that”, they reinforce. “I'm with you where-ever you go”, they console me. “In my heart I am”, they add. “Come back to me”, they implore one more time, and: “Be safe.” “For God's sake, be safe.” And in my mind I tell her all the things she already knows, knowing she can see them in my eyes as clearly as though I had said them aloud. “I would never forget you”, I say. “You're mine and I'm yours”, I state. “Be strong”, I beg her, “for both of us.” “I'll come back to you soon”, I comfort her. “Everything will turn out well”, I tell her what she wants me to say. “Nothing can ever keep us apart”, I promise her then in the silence between us, “not distance, not enemy lines, not even death itself.”
There's nothing left to say aloud. And as other couples embrace and make each other tearful promises and parents give their sons their wishes and encouragements. Wives and mothers cry and fathers try to look proud of their sons. But none of that matters. We stand in silence in a space where no words are needed. But we share this moment and for the span of a heartbeat the world seems to fade away and we are alone. We're running across fields and kissing in the rain.
Then the whistle blows a second time and the moment passes. It's time to go. At last, I let go of her hand that I realise I've been squeezing. I'm huddled into the carriage full of other young men waving their farewells. The noise comes rushing back into the world. The door slams shut. The hiss of the engine cuts through the noise like a knife. With a jolt the carriage starts to roll. And still, all I see is her figure standing at the platform edge. Her slender hands are clutching at her skirt. “I love you”, her eyes are shouting after me. Then she's lost among the crowd as we accelerate toward our uncertain destiny. Death or glory. Who can tell? I dare not hope for anything.
Only one thing we can rely on: Our love will stand true though everything else may fail.
Friday, May 08, 2009
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Einstein's Lost Love
Here's a short story I wrote. There's some truth in it - the one I love is very far away. That's what inspired me to write it. Without further ado - enjoy!
Distance is measured in many ways. A few nanometers in wavelength decide whether we see light as red or green. A few inches mean you're tall or short. A few meters determine the outcome of a race. A few blocks can be a long drive in New York traffic. Some 26,000 miles or four continents and three oceans were the distance Phileas Fogg traveled in 80 days. And it's some 4.2 light-years from the sun to the nearest star Proxima Centauri.
620 light-years separate me from the one I love. This means the light itself needs 620 years to traverse this distance. And nothing can go faster. That's what Einstein teaches us. 620 years of cold, dark emptiness of space rushing by. Traveling at relativistic speeds using a vessel propelled by an Einsteinian Drive it would take me about a month and a half. That is the time that would have passed on me when I reached Earth. At such speeds, however, even time is relative. Travel at light speed and time would stand still for you. That's also Einstein. On Earth over 700 years would have passed. My beard would have grown a bit but besides that you wouldn't notice the difference. But I wouldn't find anybody waiting for me. She would be long gone. And her children. And their children. And their children's children. And so on until they didn't even remember her name or that she existed.
The surface of the nearest star burns at five million degrees centigrade. It's a galactic nuclear fusion reactor. It bestowed the gift of life on an entire planet. Yet I feel cold. The dark loneliness of space chills me to the bone.
Doubt that the stars are fire,
Doubt that the sun doth move,
Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt that I love.
It's foolish to hold on. Everyone tells me so. But can a meteor stop its downward course even though it will crash and burn? Can a tree stop growing even though the sun will dry it out next summer. Or does a trapped animal cling to life any less? Can the planets keep from turning? Out here I miss her like I miss the warmth of the morning sun or the green of fresh grass, like the sound of wind in the trees or smell of lavender in spring. A part of myself is missing. It remains back on Earth. Like an anchor. Like a life line. Painful though it may be it is this pain that tells me I'm alive and that there's something worth living for. Even the thought of her brings colour or a spark of warmth.
Sometimes I imagine she's just away, coming back soon. She's taken a shuttle down for a surface expedition. I've just missed her and she's gone but she'll come back soon. There's nothing to worry about, the distance just feels like light-years. Just be patient for a few days. Then days turn into a week, which turns into a month. And when she doesn't return I tell myself she's been delayed. The expedition is just taking a bit longer than expected. Just be patient. Work plods on, life continues. Of course, she doesn't return and the shuttles that come and go occasionally carry other people but not her. Because she's on a blue-green planet 620 light-years from here.
Sometimes when I hear her voice looking at her image I can almost feel her presence. It's as if I could just reach out and touch her face. Maybe when I'm tired I could lay my head on her shoulder and rest my mind and my body. It feels as if I could just lean forward and smell her freshly washed hair, feel its spiky texture. If I lean in a bit more I could taste her skin, her lips. I would hold her tight with both arms and her warmth would flood through me and drive out the chill. The beating of her heart would merge with mine. The rhythm of life. It's easy to imagine my tongue brushing against hers, probing and passionately wrestling. Her breath would flow into me and, after awhile, it would pass back to her and the cycle would start again. Maybe my mouth would find its way down her neck. I would tease her and she would giggle. Clothes would wind up in a pile on the ground and things would take their natural course. And afterwards she would smile at me and her smile would be more resplendent than that of a thousand suns. Because she smiles for me. Now she smiles happily at the camera.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
Space is vast, it's endless, the theories go, ever expanding. Yet in all its vastness it seems to close in on me, smother me sometimes. The ones that go outside the ship in a suit need their oxygen supply – I need her. Be it only the memory that she loves me back somewhere across the stars. She's there thinking of me. I don't want to return anymore. Returning would mean to live in a different epoch from her. It would mean for her remaining life to pass in the blink of an eye. I want to stay like this to be certain of her love. I don't want to let her go.
The greatest thing you'll ever learn,
Is just to love and be loved in return.
But as the next jump is being plotted I know that it cannot last. I will leave her behind in time and space. Distance will stretch from kilometers to light-years to parsecs. My time line will split from hers. Things will change. What is now will soon be distant history. Will she remember me? Will she look up to the stars as I look at them and wonder if we're still looking at the same ones? Will she move on? Will she be happy? And then when the cosmic twinkle of her life is up, when her children down to her distant descendants have passed out of the world, when the Earth itself has almost forgotten her name what will be left? Only a handful of dust and a box of recording disks. But I that I travel at relativistic speeds will still remember her and love her. Because love needs no reason. Because love is not relative.
Distance is measured in many ways. A few nanometers in wavelength decide whether we see light as red or green. A few inches mean you're tall or short. A few meters determine the outcome of a race. A few blocks can be a long drive in New York traffic. Some 26,000 miles or four continents and three oceans were the distance Phileas Fogg traveled in 80 days. And it's some 4.2 light-years from the sun to the nearest star Proxima Centauri.
620 light-years separate me from the one I love. This means the light itself needs 620 years to traverse this distance. And nothing can go faster. That's what Einstein teaches us. 620 years of cold, dark emptiness of space rushing by. Traveling at relativistic speeds using a vessel propelled by an Einsteinian Drive it would take me about a month and a half. That is the time that would have passed on me when I reached Earth. At such speeds, however, even time is relative. Travel at light speed and time would stand still for you. That's also Einstein. On Earth over 700 years would have passed. My beard would have grown a bit but besides that you wouldn't notice the difference. But I wouldn't find anybody waiting for me. She would be long gone. And her children. And their children. And their children's children. And so on until they didn't even remember her name or that she existed.
The surface of the nearest star burns at five million degrees centigrade. It's a galactic nuclear fusion reactor. It bestowed the gift of life on an entire planet. Yet I feel cold. The dark loneliness of space chills me to the bone.
Doubt that the stars are fire,
Doubt that the sun doth move,
Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt that I love.
It's foolish to hold on. Everyone tells me so. But can a meteor stop its downward course even though it will crash and burn? Can a tree stop growing even though the sun will dry it out next summer. Or does a trapped animal cling to life any less? Can the planets keep from turning? Out here I miss her like I miss the warmth of the morning sun or the green of fresh grass, like the sound of wind in the trees or smell of lavender in spring. A part of myself is missing. It remains back on Earth. Like an anchor. Like a life line. Painful though it may be it is this pain that tells me I'm alive and that there's something worth living for. Even the thought of her brings colour or a spark of warmth.
Sometimes I imagine she's just away, coming back soon. She's taken a shuttle down for a surface expedition. I've just missed her and she's gone but she'll come back soon. There's nothing to worry about, the distance just feels like light-years. Just be patient for a few days. Then days turn into a week, which turns into a month. And when she doesn't return I tell myself she's been delayed. The expedition is just taking a bit longer than expected. Just be patient. Work plods on, life continues. Of course, she doesn't return and the shuttles that come and go occasionally carry other people but not her. Because she's on a blue-green planet 620 light-years from here.
Sometimes when I hear her voice looking at her image I can almost feel her presence. It's as if I could just reach out and touch her face. Maybe when I'm tired I could lay my head on her shoulder and rest my mind and my body. It feels as if I could just lean forward and smell her freshly washed hair, feel its spiky texture. If I lean in a bit more I could taste her skin, her lips. I would hold her tight with both arms and her warmth would flood through me and drive out the chill. The beating of her heart would merge with mine. The rhythm of life. It's easy to imagine my tongue brushing against hers, probing and passionately wrestling. Her breath would flow into me and, after awhile, it would pass back to her and the cycle would start again. Maybe my mouth would find its way down her neck. I would tease her and she would giggle. Clothes would wind up in a pile on the ground and things would take their natural course. And afterwards she would smile at me and her smile would be more resplendent than that of a thousand suns. Because she smiles for me. Now she smiles happily at the camera.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
Space is vast, it's endless, the theories go, ever expanding. Yet in all its vastness it seems to close in on me, smother me sometimes. The ones that go outside the ship in a suit need their oxygen supply – I need her. Be it only the memory that she loves me back somewhere across the stars. She's there thinking of me. I don't want to return anymore. Returning would mean to live in a different epoch from her. It would mean for her remaining life to pass in the blink of an eye. I want to stay like this to be certain of her love. I don't want to let her go.
The greatest thing you'll ever learn,
Is just to love and be loved in return.
But as the next jump is being plotted I know that it cannot last. I will leave her behind in time and space. Distance will stretch from kilometers to light-years to parsecs. My time line will split from hers. Things will change. What is now will soon be distant history. Will she remember me? Will she look up to the stars as I look at them and wonder if we're still looking at the same ones? Will she move on? Will she be happy? And then when the cosmic twinkle of her life is up, when her children down to her distant descendants have passed out of the world, when the Earth itself has almost forgotten her name what will be left? Only a handful of dust and a box of recording disks. But I that I travel at relativistic speeds will still remember her and love her. Because love needs no reason. Because love is not relative.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
New Life Beckoning
It's still a bit hard to believe that next week my life will change again. The May Day weekend is my last weekend as a free man. But all this is also good news.
I've found a job. And not just any job but one I want to do, one where I can learn the skills I need to take my career forward. I know this sounds like the standard bullshit you tell interviewers but I mean it this time. Maybe that is one thing that I managed to find out about myself during my time traveling. When I first applied for jobs years ago I had to lie about my motivation, my career goals. Now, I mean what I say. I've realised that my last job was not the right one - and why. I've come to appreciate what I want to do and what I want to hear when they describe my future responsibilities. For now I believe I've made the right choice. I'll have to wait and see how their job description translates into reality.
Since I'll be working in Frankfurt I'll also have to move again. That was something I worried over a lot. How do you find a flat when you can't really practically go over and view it? I really didn't want to spend money on hotel bills for a period that could easily extend for a month.
Fortunately, that problem has also been solved. I've found a temporary room sharing with a friendly sounding lady about five minutes from my office. From there I can then look for a more permanent new home.
So, on Sunday evening I'll be lugging my big suitcase around a train station again and the ICE will take me to another new chapter of my life. I'll see and learn new things and meet new friends.
Now with this host of fresh opportunities I should be positively buzzing with excitement. In a way I am but there's also a lot of worries and what-ifs. What if the job isn't what I'm looking for? What if I don't find a nice, conveniently located, furnished room within the three months that I have now? What if me and the one I love can't keep in touch? What if my work, or hers, or some circumstance makes it difficult - or impossible - for us to be together in the future? Maybe, that's what terrifies me the most. So in whatever I do I already start worrying about and considering things like "how long does this contract last?", "will this tie me down?" or "will this take up unnecessary funds that I'll need later to go and see her?". She's far away and I wish she was here to put all these worries to rest.
I want to be positive. At this fresh starting point I have every reason to be. Even with her in mind I want to see this as an opportunity to, at some point in the future, make our relationship easier and at all possible. Plus, if I screw up now we might not have a chance at all. So, I hope - and pray - that this is only the first step but it's in the right direction.
I've found a job. And not just any job but one I want to do, one where I can learn the skills I need to take my career forward. I know this sounds like the standard bullshit you tell interviewers but I mean it this time. Maybe that is one thing that I managed to find out about myself during my time traveling. When I first applied for jobs years ago I had to lie about my motivation, my career goals. Now, I mean what I say. I've realised that my last job was not the right one - and why. I've come to appreciate what I want to do and what I want to hear when they describe my future responsibilities. For now I believe I've made the right choice. I'll have to wait and see how their job description translates into reality.
Since I'll be working in Frankfurt I'll also have to move again. That was something I worried over a lot. How do you find a flat when you can't really practically go over and view it? I really didn't want to spend money on hotel bills for a period that could easily extend for a month.
Fortunately, that problem has also been solved. I've found a temporary room sharing with a friendly sounding lady about five minutes from my office. From there I can then look for a more permanent new home.
So, on Sunday evening I'll be lugging my big suitcase around a train station again and the ICE will take me to another new chapter of my life. I'll see and learn new things and meet new friends.
Now with this host of fresh opportunities I should be positively buzzing with excitement. In a way I am but there's also a lot of worries and what-ifs. What if the job isn't what I'm looking for? What if I don't find a nice, conveniently located, furnished room within the three months that I have now? What if me and the one I love can't keep in touch? What if my work, or hers, or some circumstance makes it difficult - or impossible - for us to be together in the future? Maybe, that's what terrifies me the most. So in whatever I do I already start worrying about and considering things like "how long does this contract last?", "will this tie me down?" or "will this take up unnecessary funds that I'll need later to go and see her?". She's far away and I wish she was here to put all these worries to rest.
I want to be positive. At this fresh starting point I have every reason to be. Even with her in mind I want to see this as an opportunity to, at some point in the future, make our relationship easier and at all possible. Plus, if I screw up now we might not have a chance at all. So, I hope - and pray - that this is only the first step but it's in the right direction.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Technical Difficulties
Feels a bit like the old test signal on TV long ago - "We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please bear with us, we are working hard on the problem."
These are problems of two kinds.
It's bad enough that my laptop is having hard disk troubles again - for the third time! It's a Fujitsu Siemens Lifebook E7110, a doomed brand since Siemens is terminating its collaboration with Fujitsu. Not surprising, really. It was the hard disk built by Fujitsu that failed only three months after I bought the damn thing. With the hard disk went my dissertation. I had to wait for six weeks until the computer returned from maintenance with a new disk. The second time, a bit more than a year later, it took several hundreds of my photos with it. My fault, I guess - why don't I back this stuff up? I knew the disk was crap but who'd expect the same thing to happen twice? Now I know why Fujitsu Siemens offer a 3-year warranty: With such inferior quality they would get lynched otherwise. This time now, it hasn't actually failed yet. It's just slowing down unbearably. Loading a new application can take minutes, booting the machine takes almost a quarter of an hour. It got to the point where doing anything involving the hard disk became an excercise in patience. Faced with the choice of buying a new laptop or replacing the disk I've finally decided to do the latter. I can't afford to buy a new high-end machine (yet) and I hate compromises in this area. I've decided on a Samsung disk this time. I found it funny that the guy in the computer shop commented they didn't even stock Fujitsu disks. I'm definitely not buying Fujitsu ever again.
The second, more annoying problem regards the TEVION Highspeed HomePlug Internet Adapter-Set PLA 8507, a product sold by Aldi in Germany. The link here is to the Aldi website because Tevion is a brand of cheap quasi-no-name products that don't have their own website - I believe they belong to Medion AG but they don't have the product on their site either. The product consists of two plugs that fit into your normal power sockets and promises Internet and networking connectivity in every room of your home using your home's existing power lines (see diagram). Sounded perfect because my desktop computer is too far away from the router to receive any wireless signal. I ran off to Aldi the day I saw the advert and bough it. That's when troubles started. I plugged the two little buggers in for the first time and waited with expectation. Nothing happened. The little lights on the adapters that indicate a link between the two devices were on but I couldn't get a logical connection through them. This means my desktop computer couldn't "see" the router and, thus, couldn't access the Internet either. I ran around the house for hours trying this and that. Nothing worked. There was no connection. I gave up. The next day I tried again and it worked. I was confused but relieved. The setup hadn't changed ... For about a week I struggled - sometimes it would work, sometimes it wouldn't. There was no apparent connection to electricity usage or any outside factors. It drove me nuts. Then one day it went stable and I refused to touch it anymore out of the supestition I might lose the connection again. About a month later from one moment to the next the connection was gone again. Nothing I did could fix it. Nothing else in the house had changed at the time. Again, I swore at the thing and cursed it for about an hour before I gave up. Since TEVION don't have their own support I called the listed Global Tronics 24/7 support hotline but it was closed on a Sunday. Not quite 48 hours later the connection was back. Another month later the same problem promptly occured again. I was getting sick of it now. This time I managed to get through to the not-quite-24/7 hotline. The operator couldn't tell me anything new. There was no diagnostic software, I had already done everything he could think of. He told me to send the adapters in for them to check. Yeah, right, and wait for however long it would take them to look them over and maybe come to a conclusion. I actually just wanted to throw them at somebody's head. Each of them individually. Of course, a day later everything worked just fine. And of course, it happened again. After only two weeks this time. My parents were already laughing about it saying the little devices needed time to rest once in awhile. What got to me was the fact that I couldn't find out what caused the problem and how to fix or prevent it. I was beginning to have fantasies of doing percussive maintenance - with a sledge hammer. Since then the connection has failed several times, at shorter and shorter intervals until finally this week I blew my top. I stuffed everything into a bag and did what I should have done months ago. I took the whole pile of crap back to Aldi. And I bought a different set of adapters by the inventors of the whole technology Devolo. It did cost me an extra €30 but I plugged the adapters in and things worked. Sometimes, I guess, it does pay to spend a bit more and not just buy some cheap, no-name trash. This was also the last time I bought anything with the TEVION logo on it.
These are problems of two kinds.
It's bad enough that my laptop is having hard disk troubles again - for the third time! It's a Fujitsu Siemens Lifebook E7110, a doomed brand since Siemens is terminating its collaboration with Fujitsu. Not surprising, really. It was the hard disk built by Fujitsu that failed only three months after I bought the damn thing. With the hard disk went my dissertation. I had to wait for six weeks until the computer returned from maintenance with a new disk. The second time, a bit more than a year later, it took several hundreds of my photos with it. My fault, I guess - why don't I back this stuff up? I knew the disk was crap but who'd expect the same thing to happen twice? Now I know why Fujitsu Siemens offer a 3-year warranty: With such inferior quality they would get lynched otherwise. This time now, it hasn't actually failed yet. It's just slowing down unbearably. Loading a new application can take minutes, booting the machine takes almost a quarter of an hour. It got to the point where doing anything involving the hard disk became an excercise in patience. Faced with the choice of buying a new laptop or replacing the disk I've finally decided to do the latter. I can't afford to buy a new high-end machine (yet) and I hate compromises in this area. I've decided on a Samsung disk this time. I found it funny that the guy in the computer shop commented they didn't even stock Fujitsu disks. I'm definitely not buying Fujitsu ever again.
The second, more annoying problem regards the TEVION Highspeed HomePlug Internet Adapter-Set PLA 8507, a product sold by Aldi in Germany. The link here is to the Aldi website because Tevion is a brand of cheap quasi-no-name products that don't have their own website - I believe they belong to Medion AG but they don't have the product on their site either. The product consists of two plugs that fit into your normal power sockets and promises Internet and networking connectivity in every room of your home using your home's existing power lines (see diagram). Sounded perfect because my desktop computer is too far away from the router to receive any wireless signal. I ran off to Aldi the day I saw the advert and bough it. That's when troubles started. I plugged the two little buggers in for the first time and waited with expectation. Nothing happened. The little lights on the adapters that indicate a link between the two devices were on but I couldn't get a logical connection through them. This means my desktop computer couldn't "see" the router and, thus, couldn't access the Internet either. I ran around the house for hours trying this and that. Nothing worked. There was no connection. I gave up. The next day I tried again and it worked. I was confused but relieved. The setup hadn't changed ... For about a week I struggled - sometimes it would work, sometimes it wouldn't. There was no apparent connection to electricity usage or any outside factors. It drove me nuts. Then one day it went stable and I refused to touch it anymore out of the supestition I might lose the connection again. About a month later from one moment to the next the connection was gone again. Nothing I did could fix it. Nothing else in the house had changed at the time. Again, I swore at the thing and cursed it for about an hour before I gave up. Since TEVION don't have their own support I called the listed Global Tronics 24/7 support hotline but it was closed on a Sunday. Not quite 48 hours later the connection was back. Another month later the same problem promptly occured again. I was getting sick of it now. This time I managed to get through to the not-quite-24/7 hotline. The operator couldn't tell me anything new. There was no diagnostic software, I had already done everything he could think of. He told me to send the adapters in for them to check. Yeah, right, and wait for however long it would take them to look them over and maybe come to a conclusion. I actually just wanted to throw them at somebody's head. Each of them individually. Of course, a day later everything worked just fine. And of course, it happened again. After only two weeks this time. My parents were already laughing about it saying the little devices needed time to rest once in awhile. What got to me was the fact that I couldn't find out what caused the problem and how to fix or prevent it. I was beginning to have fantasies of doing percussive maintenance - with a sledge hammer. Since then the connection has failed several times, at shorter and shorter intervals until finally this week I blew my top. I stuffed everything into a bag and did what I should have done months ago. I took the whole pile of crap back to Aldi. And I bought a different set of adapters by the inventors of the whole technology Devolo. It did cost me an extra €30 but I plugged the adapters in and things worked. Sometimes, I guess, it does pay to spend a bit more and not just buy some cheap, no-name trash. This was also the last time I bought anything with the TEVION logo on it.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Releasing your Potential?
Writing this might actually get me in trouble, I may still end up working there but that seems increasingly unlikely. And that's something I'd like to write about.
You may recognise the corporate slogan. It's the new motto of Logica, formerly known as LogicaCMG. I wanted to work for them. Here's the story of how I probably won't.
I first saw them on a recruiting fair in Cologne. My impression had been a good one since their employees seemed professional yet approachable and friendly (something that's not always common with big consultancy companies). So, I applied.
I had my first interview on January 9th with a team leader called Nils Kempin from their brach in Düsseldorf and another manager. I didn't really like Kempin. He made some comments about me that even seemed to make his colleague wince - "You have programmed before, yes?" My CV states one and a half years of experience progamming in C++. Final year projects implemented in Java. I kept my cool as they scrutinised my skills. In the end, they invited me for a second interview. I was given three weeks to prepare a presentation of a few technology areas they commonly use.
The second interview on February 4th was again with Mr. Kempin and another (different) team leader. After the presentation they announced that they would be interested in a collaboration. I tried to negotiate the salary but was rebuffed. With a slightly haughty air Kempin told me he was not prepared to negotiate. He reminded me that my bargaining position was weak. I was given until the following Monday to think about their offer. Still, despite my reservations it seemed like a good place to work and a good start for my new career. I might not like my new boss but I hadn't really seen much of him yet and even friends told me to give it a chance. So, come Monday I accepted. Kempin told me he would start the process of getting me a contract. He even gave me some homework, things to read up on while I was waiting in preparation for my start. The start date we agreed on was March 1st. He also sent me their internal skill profile to fill in.
Then about a week later on February 17th I received a stardard email from Logica's HR department telling me in the usual wording: "... we are sorry to inform you that your profile does not match our requirements at this time blah, blah, blah ...". A rejection? I was confused. The next day I called Kempin and confronted him with the news. There was nothing to worry about, he assured me, the email had been sent by mistake. He should have used their internal HR software to process my application but he hadn't. Therefore after a period of inactivity the software had automatically sent out this email. I should receive my contract soon. So I waited. No further news came. Neither did a contract.
It was about February 26th that I began to get worried. I sent him an email asking what was going on with my application. No reply. On 27th I called his phone. He didn't pick up; once I even believe he rejected my call. So, the 1st came and went. On 2nd I called the other manager from the second interview, who seemed genuinely shocked by what was going on. He promised he would look into it and get Kempin to call me. A day later Kempin called being very apologetic but offering nothing new. I tried to make him send me a written confirmation, at least, of their offer but he refused making me understand he only wanted to commit once everything had been signed off. He told me in manager-speak to "keep my nerve" and sit tight, wait. When would my start date be, then? Beginning of April, maybe later. So, no comment on that either. Now April has arrived and I haven't heard anything from them for a month.
I find it hard to stomach such a degree of unprofessionalism!
The best thing is this: I mentioned my story to several recruitement agencies I had contact with over the last months. The moment I told them the company is Logica they would go: "Aaahh." "No wonder." Several such recruiters told me even candidates they had represented had been treated like this. Logica's recruitment process was "unusual", a recruiter admitted discreetly.
I can't understand how a big, international company like Logica can get away with this. Word should spread (this is what I'm trying here). Are they such an attractive employer that people want to work for them despite the shit they're being put through? I've certainly had it.
It may be a useless gesture but I've prepared a letter to their management complaining about their treatment and also naming the people I saw. I don't expect it will achieve anything for me but why should they get away with it? I put up with their arrogance, I jumped through their hoops, I made a genuine effort - just to be ignored as if nothing had happened, dropped like a hot potato. Be it ignorance, be it incompetence or be it attitude - none of them are excusable. So, if there's only the slightest chance I can leave a footprint on somebody's arse I will go for it.
Let this posting be a warning to anybody applying to work with Logica. I've been severely disappointed, I'm not alone and the same may happen again.
To you.
Consider it.
There are many more employers to choose from.
You may recognise the corporate slogan. It's the new motto of Logica, formerly known as LogicaCMG. I wanted to work for them. Here's the story of how I probably won't.
I first saw them on a recruiting fair in Cologne. My impression had been a good one since their employees seemed professional yet approachable and friendly (something that's not always common with big consultancy companies). So, I applied.
I had my first interview on January 9th with a team leader called Nils Kempin from their brach in Düsseldorf and another manager. I didn't really like Kempin. He made some comments about me that even seemed to make his colleague wince - "You have programmed before, yes?" My CV states one and a half years of experience progamming in C++. Final year projects implemented in Java. I kept my cool as they scrutinised my skills. In the end, they invited me for a second interview. I was given three weeks to prepare a presentation of a few technology areas they commonly use.
The second interview on February 4th was again with Mr. Kempin and another (different) team leader. After the presentation they announced that they would be interested in a collaboration. I tried to negotiate the salary but was rebuffed. With a slightly haughty air Kempin told me he was not prepared to negotiate. He reminded me that my bargaining position was weak. I was given until the following Monday to think about their offer. Still, despite my reservations it seemed like a good place to work and a good start for my new career. I might not like my new boss but I hadn't really seen much of him yet and even friends told me to give it a chance. So, come Monday I accepted. Kempin told me he would start the process of getting me a contract. He even gave me some homework, things to read up on while I was waiting in preparation for my start. The start date we agreed on was March 1st. He also sent me their internal skill profile to fill in.
Then about a week later on February 17th I received a stardard email from Logica's HR department telling me in the usual wording: "... we are sorry to inform you that your profile does not match our requirements at this time blah, blah, blah ...". A rejection? I was confused. The next day I called Kempin and confronted him with the news. There was nothing to worry about, he assured me, the email had been sent by mistake. He should have used their internal HR software to process my application but he hadn't. Therefore after a period of inactivity the software had automatically sent out this email. I should receive my contract soon. So I waited. No further news came. Neither did a contract.
It was about February 26th that I began to get worried. I sent him an email asking what was going on with my application. No reply. On 27th I called his phone. He didn't pick up; once I even believe he rejected my call. So, the 1st came and went. On 2nd I called the other manager from the second interview, who seemed genuinely shocked by what was going on. He promised he would look into it and get Kempin to call me. A day later Kempin called being very apologetic but offering nothing new. I tried to make him send me a written confirmation, at least, of their offer but he refused making me understand he only wanted to commit once everything had been signed off. He told me in manager-speak to "keep my nerve" and sit tight, wait. When would my start date be, then? Beginning of April, maybe later. So, no comment on that either. Now April has arrived and I haven't heard anything from them for a month.
I find it hard to stomach such a degree of unprofessionalism!
The best thing is this: I mentioned my story to several recruitement agencies I had contact with over the last months. The moment I told them the company is Logica they would go: "Aaahh." "No wonder." Several such recruiters told me even candidates they had represented had been treated like this. Logica's recruitment process was "unusual", a recruiter admitted discreetly.
I can't understand how a big, international company like Logica can get away with this. Word should spread (this is what I'm trying here). Are they such an attractive employer that people want to work for them despite the shit they're being put through? I've certainly had it.
It may be a useless gesture but I've prepared a letter to their management complaining about their treatment and also naming the people I saw. I don't expect it will achieve anything for me but why should they get away with it? I put up with their arrogance, I jumped through their hoops, I made a genuine effort - just to be ignored as if nothing had happened, dropped like a hot potato. Be it ignorance, be it incompetence or be it attitude - none of them are excusable. So, if there's only the slightest chance I can leave a footprint on somebody's arse I will go for it.
Let this posting be a warning to anybody applying to work with Logica. I've been severely disappointed, I'm not alone and the same may happen again.
To you.
Consider it.
There are many more employers to choose from.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
A Question of Faith
After my previous post about taxes this is a more specialised concern. More of a question really. Something that has been on my mind.
I've described the tax situation. I've mentioned the "church tax". In Germany, the Church (both Protestant and Catholic) may levy taxes at the rate of 9% of your income tax. That then gets added on top of everything else. Individually it may not be much but things add up. The revenue from this tax makes about 70% of the Church funds.
Now, there is a way to eliminate it, as I've hinted at: you can leave the church and officially become what is called "undenominational", meaning before the law and the Church you have no religion. With that you also loose the right to claim the services of a priest.
To save some tax I've chosen that route. I've already taken the first step by going to the magistrate's court and declaring I wish to leave the Church. Formalities will now go their usual course. That's roughly when the questions started plaguing me. I've written before that I've started to believe in God. I want to. I believe that even this little faith has done some good things for me. A prayer just before my job interviews, for example, seemed to make them go more smoothly - and more successfully. I've always tried to remember to say thanks but now by leaving the Church I feel a bit like a St. Peter. I feel uncomfortable, remorseful. Am I not betraying Him just as He has begun showing me His kindness? It seemed like a small thing before. Then when the officer said I would become "undenominational" it felt as if she had said "faithless". Isn't this denial? In refusing to pay this tax to support the Church am I denying God? Or asked the other way round: If I recognise God am I also required to provide for His declared servants on earth? I comfort myself with the idea that if I require a priest I will make a donation directly to that person. But that's only part of the solution. All sorts of official documents will now have this word on them. This word that says to the world that I believe nothing. Of course, what's really important is what's in my heart (probably a lot of people list a denomination but don't believe at all). I don't need to go to church to have God in my heart. Still, will He think I'm petty or greedy that I value those 9% so highly? Or will He forgive me because on His earth everyone has to make a living as best they can? Jesus did forgive Peter his denials. Then again, Peter was his disciple and had shown his faith many times before. A year ago I would never have thought that this would end up being a question of faith. And I don't believe there is an easy answer to it either.
I've described the tax situation. I've mentioned the "church tax". In Germany, the Church (both Protestant and Catholic) may levy taxes at the rate of 9% of your income tax. That then gets added on top of everything else. Individually it may not be much but things add up. The revenue from this tax makes about 70% of the Church funds.
Now, there is a way to eliminate it, as I've hinted at: you can leave the church and officially become what is called "undenominational", meaning before the law and the Church you have no religion. With that you also loose the right to claim the services of a priest.
To save some tax I've chosen that route. I've already taken the first step by going to the magistrate's court and declaring I wish to leave the Church. Formalities will now go their usual course. That's roughly when the questions started plaguing me. I've written before that I've started to believe in God. I want to. I believe that even this little faith has done some good things for me. A prayer just before my job interviews, for example, seemed to make them go more smoothly - and more successfully. I've always tried to remember to say thanks but now by leaving the Church I feel a bit like a St. Peter. I feel uncomfortable, remorseful. Am I not betraying Him just as He has begun showing me His kindness? It seemed like a small thing before. Then when the officer said I would become "undenominational" it felt as if she had said "faithless". Isn't this denial? In refusing to pay this tax to support the Church am I denying God? Or asked the other way round: If I recognise God am I also required to provide for His declared servants on earth? I comfort myself with the idea that if I require a priest I will make a donation directly to that person. But that's only part of the solution. All sorts of official documents will now have this word on them. This word that says to the world that I believe nothing. Of course, what's really important is what's in my heart (probably a lot of people list a denomination but don't believe at all). I don't need to go to church to have God in my heart. Still, will He think I'm petty or greedy that I value those 9% so highly? Or will He forgive me because on His earth everyone has to make a living as best they can? Jesus did forgive Peter his denials. Then again, Peter was his disciple and had shown his faith many times before. A year ago I would never have thought that this would end up being a question of faith. And I don't believe there is an easy answer to it either.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Daylight Robbery
The Discworld. Four wizards (well, three wizards and an ape) from the Unseen University (UU) want to travel from the city of Ankh-Morpork to the remote kingdom of Lancre. There's only one coach that goes there and the price turns out to be 50 Dollars. Per person. Archchancellor Ridcully of UU is outraged.
"Fifty dollars each is daylight robbery!"
"No", said the coachman patiently. He proceeds to explain to the wizards the concepts of daylight, nighttime and twilight robbery and how they are related to his business.
"Are you saying", said Ridcully, "that getting robbed is included in the price?"
"Bandits' Guild", said the coachman. "Forty dollars per head, see. It's a kind of flat rate."
"What happens if we don't pay it?" said Ridcully.
"You end up flat."
~ taken and abridged from Lords and Ladies (pp 70 - 71) by Terry Pratchett.
Why am I relating this little excerpt? Because I sympathise with the wizards. I'm beginning to realise how they must feel.
About a year ago I made the conscious decision that I was going to return home to Germany. I wouldn't stay in any of the amazing countries I had visited - neither China nor Singapore. I wanted to work and live in Germany. To do something for my country, to be home. Little did I expect I'd come to regret this decision so quickly.
I've found a job. A pretty good one. I'd be working as an IT consultant on state-of-the-art technology. That should be the right start for my career. Besides, with the British Pound down, America in deep financial trouble but the Euro still fairly stable I should be in the right place, right? Well. I'm still shocked to find out what goes on here.
With my current marital status (single), in my current age bracket, considering that I'm only starting my career in Germany and based on an annual salary of €40,000 my net income would be €23,400-something. I'll let that number sink in for a moment. 23.5 out of 40. Now this shows that my income tax plus compulsory national insurance premiums (health care, pension, unemployment) take away almost 50% of my pre-tax income. Almost 50%! I can't make this bold or italic enough. I was so shocked. And that does not even include the "church tax". Yes, Germany is the only country (together with Austria and Switzerland) that I'm aware of where the church may levy taxes. And it's no small slice: 9% of your basic tax rate again goes to the church. The only way of eliminating that is the leave the Church and become "confessionless". Makes you wonder why anybody is still a member. Another quote from an old comedy show comes to my mind: "Every month you give them [the government] what you earn and they'll give back the part of it they don't want." Sounds funny but I'm beginning to think we should do it that way. It would cut out a lot of hassle and heart-ache. You wouldn't actually know what you earn, only what they leave you.
It's painful now, to look back at my time in UK. In 2007 an average month's salary was just under £2,400; payable tax plus national insurance totalling just above £600. That makes roughly a quarter, some 25%. It is with infinite disappointment that I'm coming to realise that in Germany I will have to work harder (being a consultant instead of a software developer) and I will effectively get less for my efforts. Is this how my country rewards me for coming home, for wanting to work here? With taxes like that how come anybody is actually remotely surprised that wealthy people have their bank accounts in Switzerland? Funny, I think a lot of our lawmakers also do. With such taxes on one side and a social net with unemployment and social benefits on the other, is it surprising that so many people lean back and basically refuse to make the effort to find work? It doesn't really seem that industrious people are rewarded here. Of course, the social-democratic government sees itself as a kind of Robin Hood - "we take from the rich and give to the poor." The thing is that such a system, as true socialist societies have shown, doesn't promote effort but at most a kind of mediocrity.
I can't help wondering over and over: I came back for this? To work my ass off for the government, so that they can redistribute wealth as they see fit and opportune? To allow them to subsidise the unemployed and various forms of more or less profitable agriculture and industry, to iron out other people's mistakes and failed business ventures (Commerzbank, Opel) - all to secure future voters? For that I am still paying almost €500 of "solidarity surcharge" more than ten years after the reunification of the country?
I am German. And I certainly feel German (and not European as some contemporaries have said). But this cannot go on. This blatant daylight robbery must come to an end. I will not sit still for it for long. I will work here as long as it takes to build up an attractive skill set. If there is no change until then I will look for a new home.
"Fifty dollars each is daylight robbery!"
"No", said the coachman patiently. He proceeds to explain to the wizards the concepts of daylight, nighttime and twilight robbery and how they are related to his business.
"Are you saying", said Ridcully, "that getting robbed is included in the price?"
"Bandits' Guild", said the coachman. "Forty dollars per head, see. It's a kind of flat rate."
"What happens if we don't pay it?" said Ridcully.
"You end up flat."
~ taken and abridged from Lords and Ladies (pp 70 - 71) by Terry Pratchett.
Why am I relating this little excerpt? Because I sympathise with the wizards. I'm beginning to realise how they must feel.
About a year ago I made the conscious decision that I was going to return home to Germany. I wouldn't stay in any of the amazing countries I had visited - neither China nor Singapore. I wanted to work and live in Germany. To do something for my country, to be home. Little did I expect I'd come to regret this decision so quickly.
I've found a job. A pretty good one. I'd be working as an IT consultant on state-of-the-art technology. That should be the right start for my career. Besides, with the British Pound down, America in deep financial trouble but the Euro still fairly stable I should be in the right place, right? Well. I'm still shocked to find out what goes on here.
With my current marital status (single), in my current age bracket, considering that I'm only starting my career in Germany and based on an annual salary of €40,000 my net income would be €23,400-something. I'll let that number sink in for a moment. 23.5 out of 40. Now this shows that my income tax plus compulsory national insurance premiums (health care, pension, unemployment) take away almost 50% of my pre-tax income. Almost 50%! I can't make this bold or italic enough. I was so shocked. And that does not even include the "church tax". Yes, Germany is the only country (together with Austria and Switzerland) that I'm aware of where the church may levy taxes. And it's no small slice: 9% of your basic tax rate again goes to the church. The only way of eliminating that is the leave the Church and become "confessionless". Makes you wonder why anybody is still a member. Another quote from an old comedy show comes to my mind: "Every month you give them [the government] what you earn and they'll give back the part of it they don't want." Sounds funny but I'm beginning to think we should do it that way. It would cut out a lot of hassle and heart-ache. You wouldn't actually know what you earn, only what they leave you.
It's painful now, to look back at my time in UK. In 2007 an average month's salary was just under £2,400; payable tax plus national insurance totalling just above £600. That makes roughly a quarter, some 25%. It is with infinite disappointment that I'm coming to realise that in Germany I will have to work harder (being a consultant instead of a software developer) and I will effectively get less for my efforts. Is this how my country rewards me for coming home, for wanting to work here? With taxes like that how come anybody is actually remotely surprised that wealthy people have their bank accounts in Switzerland? Funny, I think a lot of our lawmakers also do. With such taxes on one side and a social net with unemployment and social benefits on the other, is it surprising that so many people lean back and basically refuse to make the effort to find work? It doesn't really seem that industrious people are rewarded here. Of course, the social-democratic government sees itself as a kind of Robin Hood - "we take from the rich and give to the poor." The thing is that such a system, as true socialist societies have shown, doesn't promote effort but at most a kind of mediocrity.
I can't help wondering over and over: I came back for this? To work my ass off for the government, so that they can redistribute wealth as they see fit and opportune? To allow them to subsidise the unemployed and various forms of more or less profitable agriculture and industry, to iron out other people's mistakes and failed business ventures (Commerzbank, Opel) - all to secure future voters? For that I am still paying almost €500 of "solidarity surcharge" more than ten years after the reunification of the country?
I am German. And I certainly feel German (and not European as some contemporaries have said). But this cannot go on. This blatant daylight robbery must come to an end. I will not sit still for it for long. I will work here as long as it takes to build up an attractive skill set. If there is no change until then I will look for a new home.
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