48 Hours - Aftermath

No, it did not take me another week to make that bloody decision. Actually, I was pretty much decided the next day after posting the last entry. This does not mean that it was not a tough choice. Both options seemed pretty much balanced in my view - both against each other and by themselves. In the end, I decided to stay here with my regular job and regular life.
Why? What tipped the scales? Some things may appear obvious while others were rather surprising - even to myself.
One was, of course, the uncertainty. What would await me? Would I be a good teacher? Would I actually enjoy it? The idea of having to do something I was bad at and/or didn't enjoy for six months was daunting.
A surprise was the fact that even my current job was keeping me here. At last, my company, or rather my boss, had given me a small project of my own that I really enjoy. I didn't want to interrupt it - especially for something that might not be worth while.
At the same time, it seems that I'll finally be playing a role playing game again - this time with my colleagues. That is something I have been waiting to do for a long time. Another thing I would not want to forego.
Funny enough, it was also something that my friend said: You don't seem very excited about it - there's no point in finding a reason for something you don't really want to do. The moment she told me this I knew she was right - even though I was disappointed with myself for admitting it. I had been uncertain from the moment she had told me about the offer. It was more that it had been my dream for a long time before I became disillusioned after talking to some actual teachers. Now I felt like I should still want to go - so many other people did and enjoyed it - I didn't want to miss out. I couldn't even answer the question what I was afraid to miss out on. At the same time I was trying to find a valid excuse for not going. Complicated, huh?
Lastly, it was maybe too much of a surprise. There was hardly any time to think or prepare. It was a matter of throwing over-board my plans for the rest of the year, along with my job and my life and getting on plane to China. And as appealing as that may seem to some people I found it scary. The prospect of spending the next two months wrapping up the remainder of my life and then having to rush off was not what I had had in mind. I think, I'm not the kind of person to do that. I quietly (and sometimes not-so-quietly) envy those that can. Maybe one day I will reach the point where I'm fed up with my life. If there's still nothing to hold me back I'll just do it - or so I tell myself.
For now, it looks like I'm staying where I am. No regrets. Don't try to change my mind again. It's too late for that now.

48 Hours

I can't believe I still haven't made up my mind. I spent the last 48 hours thinking it through, weighing the pros and cons, trying to pinpoint and isolate what I really want. Several times I thought I had reached a decision only talk to somebody with a different opinion, who would make me doubt again.
I believe there is no right or wrong decision. Am I a fool that I don't want to give up my ordinary office-job life in Britain for the exciting new existence of an English teacher in Beijing? I know that many people do it and enjoy it - enjoy it so much that they continue doing it for years. But can I really be an English teacher - a teacher? I know that I enjoy speaking English and I know (with as little arrogance as possible) that my English is pretty much flawless - better than that of many a local here. Still, there is a difference between knowing something and communicating this knowledge to somebody else. Moreover, I know my motivation has nothing to do with wanting to teach but because this is the only realistic chance to spend some time in China and mix with the locals. I guess, it's the same for many others, as well.
What else keeps me from going?
I tell myself it's not about my career. Many people have had a year abroad on charity or teaching or just travelling and have returned to resume a perfectly healthy career.
The most daunting thing, however, is the step into the unknown. What will await me at the university, in the classroom? Will I enjoy it? Will I hate it? Will get along and make friends with students and colleagues? Will I be alone? The only certainty is that once I accept the offer and start the term there is no way out but forward. Even six month can be an eternity if you're not enjoying yourself.
Am I a coward for thinking like this? Am I a fool for even giving this matter so much deliberation? Do other people who do this sort of thing think so much before they decide? Did they know better what they were in for before they left home?
Staying here would mean playing it safe. No excitement in exchange for no risk involved. I know what I have here. It's a bit like gambling: If you don't do it you keep your money - guaranteed. On the other hand, if you want to win you must first bet. "No risk, no fun", some even say. I guess, I was never a gambler. Then again, the prize was never so attractive.

The Decision of my Life

Where to begin? I have, it seems, arrived at a turning point in my life - a point where both wisearse and worrier delight in having long conversation in my head, long after the lights-out command has been issued.
The decision I'm talking about is this:
On one side - in the reasonable corner - there's my life as it is now. A nice flat, clean, spacious, a stable job, which provides a stable income. I earn British pounds which is still expensive in this country but very good for a holiday abroad. I don't have many friends here but those I do have I treasure (yeah, guys, I'm talking about you)
On the other side there a crazy dream I've had for a while. People have called it stupid, reckless, risky, nonsensical, rubbish. The dream is of giving up my job and my life here and to go far away. Taking a gap-year is the more popular modern buzz-word for it. After my brief holiday in China this idea kept coming up again: my plan was to finish this year at my job and then go away somewhere better and exciting - if only for a while. Now fate has its way with these things and served me an opportunity on a silver platter. A friend's friend's mother works for a university in Beijing which is currently urgently looking for foreign teachers to teach their students oral and written English and Western culture. First the facts (or so I believe): The university is a reasonably renowned university that trains becoming police officers or provides further education to higher graded officers. I would be teaching English to undergraduate or postgraduate students. This will be in the form of 12 to 16 hours of classroom teaching per week. The syllabus will be dictated largely by the university but I was encouraged to bring my own material. A previous teacher told me that their material can be quite boring. At the end of the term I would also need to mark and examine students. I would be compensated for my efforts with a one-bedroom flat (= bedsit) on campus. On top of that I would receive a monthly salary of 4500RMB - an amount that people I know seem to have varying opinions on. Some say it is not enough and I might well spend more than I earn, others say it is more than enough and I will save half of it. For Western standards it is definitely nothing and even in China I imagine it will not pay for an extravagant life-style. Then again it seems to be in line with what graduates earn in their first job. Doesn't sound so bad, all this. Why then the conflict?
Here's what I believe I found out about myself in the countless conversations I have had this week.
Since I want to end my stay in Britain soon, anyway, why not do it now and go for an adventure? Maybe it is the uncertainty of the adventure that makes me hesitate. I am certainly not sure what to expect, never having done any kind of teaching before. Not knowing whether I will like it and having to enter a minimum of 6 months contract dampens the enthusiasm. Having to leave a life behind that I spent such a long time building up and starting from scratch is daunting, at best. And, of course, there are the constant warnings of the pessimists in my ear that say if I go now and leave my job and my industry for more than half a year I will struggle find employment again. It is something I refuse to acknowledge - I'm not too old for this shit! - but after hearing it so many times it does leave a mark (as if I didn't already know). Furthermore, I finally seem to be making friends with some of the guys at work (after so long) and around work. At the same time it seems that my boss has enough faith in me to give me the ownership of a small component, which I will design and write from scratch. Worst of all maybe it confuses my plans again: I had it all worked out up to the end of the year at least. I still wanted to visit my (now) ex-girlfriend in Singapore and see the place and maybe make a short trip to Malaysia as well. That would be impossible. At the same time there is a nagging voice in my head that tells me that an opportunity like this does not come along often and that I will regret it if I let it slip away. Especially, since this has been a dream or at least a thought for quite a while already. Also, as my mum's husband aptly put it, if you want to do something crazy like this you have to do it while you're young (I'm not too old for this shit!). Also, I wanted to leave Britain, anyway, why not do it now. A few months more or less will not make a difference. I would even pick up some essential communication, organisation and presentation skills on a job like that, along with the responsibility for a group of students. These two seem compelling enough - why the uncertainty? Well, I'm undecided by nature - lazy evaluation avoids resolving arguments, and thus commitment, until the last minute. I'm probably also daunted by the new task and chance. It might be an exciting new challenge, rewarding like few others - or a six-month nightmare of epic proportions. Sometimes, I know that the things that keep me here and the those that compel me to go are all just people. The people I met in Beijing and that I've missed since then. The people I know and love in Britain who I don't want to disappoint or abandon. I know that people are the wrong motivation since people - friends - can easily drop out of the equation: new job, new girl/boyfriend, new interests - all the things that can make friends turn away. If they were the only thing that kept me or motivated me where would I be if they leave or become unavailable? The things to look for among my motivations are things like a genuine interest in teaching, a passion for Chinese culture and language, and the real wish to try something new. I listen inside myself and hear only turmoil - all the different desires shouting in a great cacophony. Does that mean I'm not so interested in the position? Maybe I'm afraid of disappointing myself here... Maybe I feel that I ought to want it.
My time draws to a close - tomorrow or at the latest the day after will be decision time. For many all this deliberation may sound silly. Nike - Just Do It. Something tells me I'll end up tossing a coin and hoping for a result - then at least I'll know what I want deep in my heart of hearts.