Guess what: another month, another letter. I'm actually beginning to look forward to them. When I find a new one in the mail, it's almost like Christmas as a child. You get something wrapped up, you wonder what's inside, it's exciting to unwrap, it entertains you for awhile, then you wait to get the next one.
So, after waiting - lurking - for two months the trolls of TV lincencing have stirred again. They have not forgotten me, no, their henchmen, the Enforcement Officer Brigade, are still scheduled to descend on me shortly. How I wish they would stop calling me "shortly".
As usual there's a number puzzle hidden in the letter (a bit like in The DaVinci Code). According to this, this year, they have already caught 78,224 hapless victims. Fans of numeric puzzles can now calculate from the other numbers given how many more people will go into their trap during the remainder of the year. They must have been very active in the first quarter but get a bit lax after that. Furthermore, all of these people were caught in Chatham. This suggests a grave misunderstanding: I live in Woking. Why threaten the poor people of Chatham any further? Moreover, even if Chatham has 78,224 inhabitants they're a bloody dishonest lot. Shame on them. Letting themselves get caught red-handed like that, making it so easy. They've ruined the entire statistic for this year!
I would imagine that by now I must be ranking high on the to-hit list of TV lincencing godfathers. Strangely, this letter is a lot less offensive and harsh than the previous ones. That left me feeling confused. Have I weakened their resolve? Is it possible that they might be giving up? Otherwise, why are they suddenly using the word "please"? They even offer me their help! ... Or is it all a cunning trap? "Even at this stage we want to help you stop this investigation." Aha! Having found me guilty, they extend a merciful hand to save my soul. We don't want to punish you - we want to help you. Inquisition, what a show!
Lastly, I'm being warned that the interro- ahem, inquiry will be conducted "firmly and fairly". Again a statement that leaves me bewildered - that would be the first time anyone from that company treats me fairly. I wouldn't know how to react to that. Does that mean they won't break down my door and drag me out by the hair? Do the tin men have hearts? Surely, that must be another trick to get me to open the door.
I do hope that they will not help me but rather themselves and stop this madness. The entertainment factor is wearing off. Once I get to the stage where I don't know what to write about them anymore I might actually get annoyed.
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