... trapped in the eyes of a stranger? How is it possible? How is it possible to be in a relationship with a wonderful girl for years and still not be sure of the future with her? To know, to damn-well know, how good she is to me and how much she has done for me - and still does. To find her the sexiest thing on earth when she so much as takes off her sweater. To be able to talk to her about anything and everything without having to fear judgement or ridicule. To be respected, loved, adored by her, unconditionally. To be forgiven almost any transgression, any offence. To be the only one she admits into her heart.
Still my heart is unsteady, fickle, easily changed. It wanders away at every possible chance. As Shakespeare puts it: it hunts after new fancies. At the blink of an eye feelings change. They don't fade. They re-focus on a different person.
Here's my quest for answers. Is it because she's not "the one"? Is it for the excitement of someone new? Is it just because of the male excuse that I'm too young for commitment? (too young?! at 26?!) Is it because she's been the only girl I've been with before discovering that others find me attractive too (against all odds)? Have we just been too close too quickly? Is it because I'm thinking with a part of my anatomy other than my brain (and not the stomach either)?
I know I enjoy flirting - even when she is around. Still, her presence reminds me where I belong and prevents me from going to far (this generally does not happen even when she's not around - I'm simply too shy). When she is not around - especially when she hasn't been for a long time - things are different. Maybe feelings had already begun to fade a long time ago without her noticing and maybe even without me knowing. Maybe I only loved her back for what she was doing for me not out of my own initiative. Strangely enough, no matter how she probes and questions me, I cannot think of anything that I really dislike about her. I cannot remember ever not having a good time with her. There was the occasional quarrel - some of them her fault, some of them mine. Maybe more of them mine. At some point, however, I realised that even though I was perfectly content with her company I had begun to enjoy other people's company more. Maybe this coincided with my move to a different city where I could only see her once a week. After a long time that I had been happy not having any friends beside her I began feeling the urge to spend time with my new friends - and not her. What was more that a number of those new friends were female. I discovered that other girls also like me when I had believed that she would be the only one. Thus, spurred on by my new-found confidence, my heart began to wander - wonder. Maybe, in a cocky and selfish way, it was the realisation that she was not as unique as I had thought. Maybe it was none of the above but due to the distance and my new friends she became less and less important. 6 out of 7 days on average she could not be there for me and other friends filled her place in many aspects. And even though our relationship seemed even more passionate during the few days that we had maybe that was the beginning of the end - a very slow and creeping end but an end none the less. There are many maybes in this and I don't expect to ever know the answer for sure. It matters little now, anyway.
I feel guilty and ashamed that I do this to her and her family. I know that they, being traditional minded people, were already counting on me as the son-in-law. This is looking exceedingly unlikely now. I am also sad that with her I will loose her siblings and family many of who I have grown to like. Loosing her altogether - even as a friend - leaves me empty inside and seeing all our dreams crumble into dust weighs even heavier on my heart. Imagining that somebody else will at some point take my place in her heart and soul now only stirs a quiet resignation where jealousy should have been. I have no right to feel like this. I am to blame.
I also fail to live up to my own standards. Before I met her I had sworn to myself that when I had a girlfriend I would treat her like my queen, be faithful and loyal and make her life an easier and happier one in whichever way I could. I was going to be different from the guys that you hear or read about, who cheat on their girlfriends, treat them like toys and don't pay attention to what they want or need. To my horror I have now come to realise that I'm not so different from them after all. Maybe I'm just a man and maybe that's the statement that answers all the questions above. But is it an excuse?
No.
Why am I writing this here? It will not make anybody like me more - much rather less. If and when those that know me ask me "why?" I know I will not dare to tell the truth - how things really are. This is my confession. I want to confess - not before God since I'm not religious or catholic enough for that. Instead of receiving absolution from Him I put myself at the mercy of those who read this to judge me, and, in His stead, spell doom or maybe grant me absolution.
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